I met Anoop online yesterday. It might be weird that I said it's kinda heart warming.
But it really was.
I told him that I miss his vigorous voice cuz I really did.
There's no one here would call me "Jackie tong wang...balabala~~" with this kind of tone. And, I surely miss that. (why?)

I think he is an optimist, or the best cheer leader i've ever met. you'll always feel better and relaxed when you talk to him, even with his sarcasm.

Did the internet really break the distance?It somehow let me wonder if this was another surreal imagination!?

It's cold, windy and slightly rainning, just like the weather in UK.
But it seems to me much colder here. Maybe it's bcuz we dont have radiator or heater in the houses.

This similar weather reminds me something sorrowful companied with bitter tears.

I'd regret that I went to Anoop's birthday party. However, everything comes after that is what I miss most in UK.

And I finally realised it's true that "when you love someone, you do anything..."

Forgive me if I didnt say Merry Christmas.

all dressed up, but no where to go

i am trapped in this place. and I really really need company I think.

Maybe the cats in the living room are good choices.

Business trip is nothing relaxed at all, especially when you have some "tasks" to achieve.
Should I call it an interview trip? It's actually an interview trip, but I finally decided to take it easy. They said finding a job depends on ur luck, or it's kinda "fortune" thing... let along the bad timing in the end of year.

Sometimes I just wonder that what kind of people do they want? If I can do all the things/tasks they expect me to do, I must be a superwoman myself. Those so called profession should be accumulated from work and experiences, yeah? My thoughts just need a job to make them practical~ anyway, wish me luck!

btw, how come Taipei is such a cold city? I have to erase my smile to fit in I guess. what a pity:P
Or I should ask, when will I get back my pretty smile!? Well, I think the first step is: take it easy:)

Business trip is nothing relaxed at all, especially when you have some "tasks" to achieve.
Should I call it an interview trip? It's actually an interview trip, but I finally decided to take it easy. They said finding a job depends on ur luck, or it's kinda "fortune" thing... let along the bad timing in the end of year.

Sometimes I just wonder that what kind of people do they want? If I can do all the things/tasks they expect me to do, I must be a superwoman myself. Those so called profession should be accumulated from work and experiences, yeah? My thoughts just need a job to make them practical~ anyway, wish me luck!

btw, how come Taipei is such a cold city? I have to erase my smile to fit in I guess. what a pity:P
Or I should ask, when will I get back my pretty smile!? Well, I think the first step is: take it easy:)

I know I miss KTV, but I am afraid of going there for some reasons.
1st, I know nothing about pop songs here now.
2nd, I dont want to sing or listen to those love songs in case I might burst into tears... As u know, those sad songs are so popular...in every season!

When my sister suggested we go to a KTV this afternoon, I rejected that proposal first. But she's expecting to go there for quite q while....thus I said, alright.

She ordered several pop songs and some I should be familiar with as well. These days, I always go out with my sister running some errands--> try to be busy. But I still cried when she sang the song 第九夜. I kept watching/ staring at TV screen and tried to hide my emotion. But this was just a beginning. I found I cant order any song but happier/merrier ones. Every song reminds me the sorrow goodbye.
After a few times of deep breathe and went to bathroom twice, I felt better.

I dont know how long would it take for me to forget him. Or can I really forget?
Sometimes I hate him; sometimes I miss him; sometimes I regret meeting him; sometimes I feel thankful.
Hopefully I will leave everything in my memory after the nineth night, or maybe, I will know better about this afterwards, or...maybe I'll never forget nor forgive my stupidness.
I know I shouldn't take it so serious. just cant help it.

She bought a Dior Fahrenheit before departure. She thought she could at least keep that fragrance, that smell, even though it may drive her mad as she smells that.
Is it the memory worth keeping? She cant find a satisfied answer.

She had cried occasionally on the train, at the airport, on the plane...and might've scared some passengers beside her. A gentleman gave her his whole package of tissue then.

When the plane was landing at the airport, she took a deep breathe of the air and knew that she's home.

It was her first time to that airport and things are so different from those of Europe. She didn't think it's bad but just hasn't got used to these. She even loves the rainny and cold weather better.

1. She slept in a double bed BUT NOW--> on a sofa (this is a special case tho; Taiwanese ppl dont usually do this)
2. She got everything cheaper, much cheaper, but she simply loses her interests of window shopping.
3. The wireless thing of her laptop is misfunction again!
4. The weather in Taiwan is warm/hot; fortunately, according to the weather report, there's a typhoon coming! (well, she hasn't seen real pouring rain for a while...this is definately nothing FUNNY!)
5. She used to stay in a neat flat BUT NOW-->in a messy house with a full fridger too (well well well, this is also a special case; her grandma always tries to tidy her house, but this good will is ALWAYS refused by her mom. Mom said, dont force me to clean the house...I dont want to think about it!)
6. She has no money and a certain degree of freedom; that's why she wants to get a job asap.
7. She doesn't have to cook and tidy her house. Actually, she thinks she loses the motivation of doing those house chores. Is it kinda "back to normal"?
Her family thought she's lazy b4, and she still is after a year:)
8. She needs not to walk but just jump on her scooter.
9. She used to wear a jacket to block the cold, BUT NOW she wears it to block the sun (not to mention the gloves, hats, mask(no veil tho)...)
10. She keeps herself busy thus she wont miss England too bad.
11. She still hates noisy firework released during some religious ceremonies.
12. She thinks she cant fit in the famous/popular Japanese fashion in Taiwan any more.
13. She went to a hair salon and thought she finally found a hairdresser who she will definately go to more than twice. (Everybody should have his/her own hairdresser; she just hadn't found one satisfied.)
14. She's thinking of getting a language partner bcuz she feel panic when hearing ppl speaking Taiwanese and chew 檳榔...

Well... it takes some time to fit in here, she said.

I found a feel of jealous. I envy those happy couples, or those who looks happy.
Im not really unhappy, but I dont think Im a happy person.
At least Im not a happy girl friend.

Anyway, Im leaving.

You are not the worst one but you hurt me worst. Helpless and hopeless are the most terrible feelings to deal with.

I become a sheep...

Im glad I stayed here.

They say Lake District is one of the must go places in UK.
And I finally stand here by the lake.

Lake District is huge, though I just visited Windermere, Ambleside and Grasmere.
If you want to know about those attractions, you could check them out in those travel books and websites. Cuz Im not an attraction person...

Good point! so, what did I see & where did I go?
There are many lake walks, hilltop...for people to experience the nature scene. However, Im kinda lazy and sick thus I dont really have strength to walk walk walk in the muddy road.

Im glad I stay in Ambleside, a lovely town. The hostel I stayed gave me a warm welcome and farewell too. Also, it's on weekdays, there are few people there that I didn't have to share the room and shower with lots of people. They gave me a 7-bed room shared with no one!
The spacious living room became my music room too. I practiced piano playing everyday.

I spent my last day in Windermere. Still, there are many old people, families... Im like an outsider. Im an outsider looking for a restaurent for lunch.
I just wanted to have lunch and hit the road.
Cuz I was ill and it was rainning. I missed Leeds, missed my home.

Actually, it was kinda drizzling, I like it. But, as I mentioned before, Im not an attraction person, I think I relaxed enough. That's why I wanted to go home.

V is a very organised person.
M is very organised too, but in different way...

Sometimes, I feel myself very tiny compared with these people who have clear plans and targets.
Even I do think Im not really a "mess," honestly, Im not too bad. But,...

Maybe they know better about future, but Im the one who keeps avoiding it.
WAKE UP

I was about to upload my pictures in Lake District, and things happened.
1. After installing the software and driver of my NOKIA 7610, I still cannot connect my phone to my laptop.
2. Thus I used Anoop's PC to test my handset and the programmes I installed.
3. Happily, it worked successfully on his PC.
4. I saved those pictures in my portable USB disc and deleted them from his computer.
5. I, again, saved those picx in my laptop and didnt realise they were "shortcuts"...
6. However, when I found out this fact, those picx were deleted by myself already.
7. I....I....cannot speak a word...
-----
be strong, I told myself. At least I have some in my digital camara.
Well, let's upload these.
-----
Although those scenes are quite vivid and clear in my mind, it's shameful that I couldn't share them with you guys.
Damn...
-----
Well, the restaurent I want you to know is [Lucy4]. I lost the picx I took in here, while you can connect onto its website and try to feel what I felt here.
http://www.lucy4.co.uk/
The place I went is Wine Bare & Bistro.

Another interesting pic is 'thought for Tuesdays.'
it was written on a blackboard outside a tearoom.
it said, " it's rather off work and rainning than work and sunny."
I dont remember exactly, but u know what I mean by the saying above=)

So, a novel by Jane Austin, a movie showing some green grass and finally Romeo and Juliet starring Leonardo Di Caprio. And she lands in England.

Huh?

Let's analyse this for a second shall we?

Jane Austin, romantic novels where everything works out pretty well always, the weather is wonderful, the people are friendly (okay, not the villans) and there is no sarcasm. Is it like England?

Green grass... I'll give her that, but grass a reason for choosing a country? Only if the grass meant Marijuana this would make sense and then the country would have to Holland, and not England.

Now, third one is the best. Romeo and Juliet... a Shakespearean play written by some old hag when he couldn't woo his woman, which is a classic, but this movie was made in AMERICA... not England!!! USA not UK, the father nation not the motherland.

And the weather... lets not be nice about this. The weather is SHIT. It rains but doesn't pour... it's cold, but there's hardly any snow.

So well... you tell me, right choice? Aaah well.. smeg head comes to mind... at least she did try some good beer, got exposed to some great british humour and might sometime in her life really go for a proper shakespearean play.

I would say it's not been a waste of time at all... but been a learning experience. At least she might not choose a country thinking that the name sounds nice... ;)

Vincent said he likes it civilised.
I said maybe I was influenced by those movies/ novels I've seen/ read.
I was attracted by those green meadow, castle ruins...and thought I want to go there.
But it's strange that I didn't want to go to USA although Hollywood invades every culture so bad.
The only place I want to go in USA is, maybe, New York.

Till now, the countryside of UK still has the fascinating power (to me). Pleasant!
As to "civilised," I think there are nice people, though the civilisation here is kinda hypocrisy.

Well, even the weather is bad (UK is notorious for this but the weather is not really that bad i think), the people are proud, the living expense is damn high... I still like here.
But I dont like it so much that I want to stay.

I cherish the experiences I've got. And I wont be such a fool. I need to grow up.

why does it seem that every thing, every industry is poor in service?
you need to wait wait wait, and obey the so called rule...

After complaining about banks, travel agent, taxi, ...(what else Im not satisfied with?)
I give you GNER.
Actually the staffs I met before today are nice and friendly.
Is that because they are old gentlemen???
The one I met this time is a mid-age woman who has absolutely no patience. (why? it is supposed a service industry!)

I want to buy one and take it back home.
I've started "marketing research" last week. However, the "perfect" curl tong still hasn't appeared. Well, I want to find a medium size one and can be used in Taiwan... Those curl tongs on the shelf just cannot meet both the conditions.
(sigh)

[film name]
"I know that film! I saw it!...But...I dont know its name."
I tried to remember films' names in English before for... no reason. But I cannot memorise them especially when every film has its Chinese name.
[trailer]
They say trailer should be the best parts in a film. If the trailer wasn't great, the film wouldn't be too good. Though a nice trailer doesn't guarantee an excellent movie.
[wish to see list]
1. the Last Kiss (Oct 20th)
"everyone needs to grow up"<--i love that slogan!

2. the departed (Oct 6th)
the script is origin from a famous HK movie. I should see how they do in Hollywood:)

3. the Holiday (coming soon, ...)
Jude Law, Camaron Diaz, Kate Winslet....and Jack Something (a comedian I think),
How can you resist this cast and the idea of house changing!? hehe

4. Step Up (dont know when it's on...><")
Looks encouraging and fantastic, I mean, the trailer.
I don't know will it be like [save the last dance]...but it should be good.

I mess it up.
I mess my life up almost.

This film opens on Oct 6th.
I should've never expected you'll come up with something we can do.
I wrote this in your schedule book long long ago.
I reminded you by asking whether you have time on Friday, I want to go to the movie.
But we didn't go.
You came home and said we might go later, and then you started to sort out your laptop problem. I understood it's important to you and you must wanted to solve this asap.
The bad weather also detered me. Thus I suggested we were not going anywhere that night.
Since you need to work in the weekend, I said I will go myself.
---
But a movie goer like me would by all means go to a film with myself.
Fortunately it wasn't disappointed me.
---
Fashion industry is no funny thing. The film shows us that Fashion is not as superficial as what we think. Many girls want to enter this industry without thinking about what it really is.
Well, you gotta think it through after you watched this film.
---
[My first job]
The film reminds me the times when I was in my first job. My boss was also harsh.
Work over time is not unusual since everyone in that department does. I wanted to do things right and worked hard too. I had no time to talked with my boy friend and always kept him waiting. And the worse is I thought he should understand.

However, when we said 'I have no choice, this is my job,' do we really have no choice?
Sometimes we are too busy to think of whether I need to work this hard or why I work so hard.
Sometimes we stay home just because we would feel guilty if going out playing.
Sometimes we just hesitate to give. (This is why they went away...if you are always like this)

I didn't want to talk let along complain after work. Further, I had no strength to speak but just relax and got some sleep.
I didn't know what I worked hard for...
---
I always admire those who knows exactly what they want to do, want to be. I know it's not a good thing if I still get confused.
Well, I will figure it out sooooooon, or I would be bothered to death after I go home.
---
Aside from the busy life, dream job, dont forget the one(s) beside you.

1. short temper
This is typical. I mean, most of my friends will have no doubts that I am such a short-tempered bloke. I hate waiting, while I usually keep others waiting:P
I find that this characteristic is not suit for cooking, especially for cooking Chinese dish. Because it needs patience and care to make some kinds of dish, e.g. stew, braise and steam... One of the best solutions is find a movie to watch and wait. (however my laptop is mute now...damn)
2. workholic!?
Well, I wont deny that Im super lazy. But being lazy somewhat makes me feel guilty.
Due to my short temper, I would be kind of hard working in the beginning (and just in the beginning) unless I find something interests me or new motivation.
I cannot sit quietly and peacefully all the time, or I should say, I cannot pretend to be a "lady" for too long. Im tired of this role play already and need some air sooner or later. Although Im like a worker bee, Im not a sport person or gym person. I can walk for a very long distance but I dont like sweating. This may be one reason that I can fake to be ladylike.
Im also confused with this self contradiction@@"
3. good appetit
I easily feel hungry even I dont work a lot. I dont know whether this is a new habit I've formed here in UK. As you know, I cannot stay doing something so long, thus I have to stand up...exercising or cooking. Since I dont really like exercising, I choose to COOK.
Fortunately, I didn't gain weight this year:P
Bon appetit is never a prob.

It's my second Moon Festival in England (yesterday). I didn't really realise it if people didnt tell me. Im not a festival person tho.

I met Pheonix and his housemates in Morrisons yesterday. They were going to have a "hot pot gathering." He is still very Chinese and thinks that the tradition in China is better than that in Taiwan. I dont see that convincing at all. But there's no doubt that I will be happy if China become something!

Anyway, Taiwanese people BBQ in Moon festivals while Ive not experienced this very "Taiwanese" culture until I was in uni. It means nearly nothing to me whether we BBQ or not at this specific moment.


Maybe I just feel nothing!?

After saying "Im going there" for nearly one year, I finally made up my mind to go.

I hope this trip will be good. At least it would be more meaningful than going window shopping, food shopping and worrying about those bank things everyday:P

Well, I am not sure if I should do some research before going. Am I getting lazy or getting too familiar with England? Not really lol

Im not a loner. But I enjoy being alone sometimes.
Many think that going to a movie or travelling alone is incredible/unbelievable, however it is not so difficult for me to do these myself. Moreover, bcuz different people have different taste of film and different habit of travel, which would make it hard to decide (which film to catch, where to go, how to travel...). Well, above things are just some reasons. Sometimes you just cant find the right person/people to go with; you just cant find the right timing to invite people; sometimes, you just want to escape/ sneak away.

A friend told me that I look like a loner and I am independent outside, but I definately soft and girly inside.
I have no question of this description or judgement, but, how would I become what I am now??
Maybe it's a mystery to even my mom (who often thinks I am a strange child).

What am I really like?? If I couldn't find the answer, should I keep asking?

Maybe everyone is somewhat restricted by surrounding things or the situation s/he is in, and thus s/he cannot be himself/herself completely (well, at least 85% of oneself). But how can one be changed bcuz of study or work? This is ridiculous. I would rather buy this: I am like this originally. However, this is also my fault. Im supposed to cheered others instead of being influenced. I was bad-tempered but Im absolutely no character here! Im so sweet and thoughtful that even I myself wonder what's wrong with me!

But, if you couldn't give me what I am looking for or what I need, can I blame you with that? It's just different personalities and life style. And it's not a relationship at all. You know better than I do. I am just blind maybe:)

Damn, I am complaining again!!!

We are all alone like small islands. Just, people need to learn to care about others.
Hope I will find my way:)

It's tricky to identify what's the right thing to do.

Sometimes I know what I should do, while sometimes I couldn't stop what I am thinking and doing (even it may not be what people consider as "the right thing").

For example, I think I shouldn't stay in this flat, but I couldn't resist; I shouldn't expect you to change, but I ignore this.

Sometimes I think I fucked it up... ...

We can enjoy our lives in many ways. But this is not a situation I'd expected.

It's in some way messed up.

There's a decent, caring guy but I let him down. And Im here stuggling with this futureless scenario.

That's why I am stupid.

My mom will definately say so.

well, thank you anyway...

As you know, I've always been wondering about whether I am smart or not.
If I was smart, I would not turn down the one who knows me and treats me nice;
if I was smart, I would know what to do instead of trapping myself...

They say life is about journey; they say you should follow your heart; they say love is inevitible... How to do without regret? Should we listen to what others say?
Nevertheless, one only experiences him/herself through one's entire life...

Finding the right fragrance is not easy and always confused me.
I don't use perfume regularly. I had my first EDT maybe 2 years ago. It's a KENZO.
Believe it or not, it still has at least half bottle left.
I bought Bvlgary green tea fragrance in the airport when I went back from Spain. I like its fresh but I cant say that I love it.

I bought 212-sexy a week or two ago. This is my latest obsession.
I think I like this. But the prob is, will u be loyal to just one fragrance?
The One from D&G is also great!!!

my laptop finally revive tho it's still mute...
but i dont know where the prob is, cuz ive already install the needed driver for my audio card...
---
well, it's been a long time i haven't got on line as well as updated my blog.
BUT i dont remember what to write about those happened during this period...
my emotions and mood are changing, and many things are changed too.
I think i need a new start.

Campus is alive again. New students flood all around the city. They start party and lots and lots social events. It is like an unlimited/endless loop.

What happened in my journey here?

I wasn't so excited or keen on doing anything. I just followed the flow and did what I have to do. The projects, assignments, meetings, and some "must go" social venues, etc. My study is busy, though I wish I could be busier that I wouldnt have time to deal with relationship. (sigh)

Helga said it's good to have a boy friend "for now." It didnt comfort me. Cuz I knew I am not this type. However, I've lost in this endless loop.

You asked whether I feel being cheated. Of course I do. I am in love with a man who is always busy working and always concern about himself, and what's worse is he has memory lose. What am I supposed to do? seems I will never do enough. (It doesn't matter now)

Vincent said that I never enjoy my life. How can I enjoy my life when I put in my emotions but didn't get enough return? I am always hungry but you seldom feed me.

There are still some guys come to me and ask me out at this moment. (what's wrong!) And I still concern about you. (How sad, how sick I am!?)

I wish we were just friends. You make me feel that I've done things in vain, do u know that?
I dont know how you think and what you want, but you seem reluctent to reveal even a bit.

Maybe you think you've done the right thing. Cuz you can give me nothing. (Exclude your spacious cozy flat.) This is about feeling tho. Everyone wants to be found, but you just care about yourself. Of course, I understand now. If one has £25,000 debt, he will have no time for other chores. (guess I am not even one of the errands)

But but, I am thankful. I still appreciate that I met you here. We still have some fun.
They will stay in my memories.

I should jump out of the miserable loop.

Congratulation. You'll be here for another two years and hopefully will get your phD by then. You will move on your own way and live on yourself. (sometimes I really hate it) But, if this is what you want, then, I should be happy for you.

Thank you anyway. If I would hate you, that's bcuz I love you.

Rahul told me that "it's about your choice," which means, I choose to suffer myself (in some way). But, what if our choices are destined? What if we cannot choose our choices actually? It is not just a philosophy question but also tricky, isn't it?

The reason we are suffered is bcuz we dont want to obey our fate, and trying to change it.

When I try to look back finding out what I get, I really can't think of anything except for the very first moment we've been together. Maybe it's bcuz I am a person who is craving passion and love. And, if life is about the moments that take our breath away, I think, that very first moment is one of them (in my life). Even though it was just a few seconds.

The problem is Im not satisfied with this and ask for more. I desperately need your love and care.

There are lots of men out there who are willing to give me what I want and make me happy. People said that "you deserve a better man." However, what is the definition of a better man? I asked. I think most of them imply it as a guy who is more passionate and smooth.

I guess I am totally blind and stupid for I am so in love. (why?)

And I am so stupid that I believe things might be different. (why am I such a fool every time?) I am so dazed that I ignore those warning and my sense.

I dont want to regret but it seems that I cant change things, and it's destined to hurt myself.

Maybe we are stupid moths. We knew what the result would be though we still fly toward the fire. (maybe only me, I am the stupid little moth) In this case, I might be the most foolish creature in the world. I persuade myself that Im ready for heartbreak and ready for crying without regarding the pain I'll have to face. (I know now...)

Ok, I admit that I feel depressed and upset already. But Im trying to calm down. Your study is your first priority and Im not in your schedule. You know what? You are not in my plan either. However, I just make change for this so called relationship. I cannot complain cuz I deserve this... Plus, it's just bcuz of different personalities. I would feel better is I think this way.

I was in London for weekend (08/09-11/09).

Hrishi and Rahul keep asking me when to go to London (visit them). However I was annoyed by the dissertation thing last few weeks. Since it was finished and it happened to be Hrishi's birthday this Sunday...seems that i have no excuse not coming!? hehe...

Well, i booked the tickets right away. But it's always tricky. I mean, this book ticket beforehand system is tricky for you wont know what's going to happen and if you still want to go somewhere when the day comes. I am always confused at this moment.

Even though, I started packing on Thursday night, and totally got ready (i think) for this Bollywood excursion.

to be continued...

I often think I am stupid under V's value judgement. However, he's right in some ways.
He said I usually confused and tired myself, especially when talking about relationship; I dont consider the result and do thing impulsively...

Yeah...
But if we can analyse our emotion and then decide what to do, this is not "emotion" at all.
Love and emotion are something "irresistible." Some mistakes make our life more memorable...maybe (maybe not!?) (did I comfort myself?)

Honestly, this is my first time to devote myself (that much). I dont want to hold back myself for knowing there's no future. Sometimes I think this is so stupid as a moth flies toward the fire...
Although I know V may be a more proper man for me (maybe) and he's disappointed by me (several times), I still could not give up M. I am definately a love fool.

J said, just follow your heart and dont regret. I dont have time to think about regreting tho...
If it would disappoint or depress V (or someone else), we couldnt help it.

my heart says, "dont stop me now."

Actually it's no big deal... it is England, and it's not unusual to talk to someone else on the street. However, this doesnt happen that often tho.

After struggling with printing problem in computer cluster, we went binding. Chialing went back first, while yoyo and I waited to get our dissertation. Because Edward needs my sim card (top up) I asked yoyo to go to Montague check my post and then went to Ed's.
Still cant believe that we finished our dissertation. Thanks to Chialing and Yoyo. They both are too efficient!

We got our dissertation at 5ish. Yoyo took me to a cemetry/park on campus. To be honest, I didnt know we got such a place on campus. Tho it's nice and peaceful. We met a Chinese-major student, James, who just came back from Beijing. He's asking us if we need a language partner.
How come I didnt meet such a guy earlier???? Is it all destined?? (pooor me!)

He said there are more and more people study chinese. He met many students learning chinese in Beijing. I think this is what we dont quite know when we were in Taiwan. Because there are not so many people come to Taiwan learn Chinese. They didnt know it probably.

We told him we just finish our dissertation and will leave soon. But we could introduce him some Taiwanese students....as language partners:P
btw, he is pretty cute!

After saying goodbye to Yoyo, I walked through hyde park to get back. I walked and sang. Suddenly, I found there's a guy walked beside me... oh.... I stopped singing.
He said to me, it's not bright today, why am i wearing sunglasses? Cuz...cuz, I drank too much last night, which makes my eyes swell. Correction, I drank too much water instead of alcohol.
Then we chat and chat. Seems that I still have my sense of humor that he laughed many times...
It's good to have company especially when you walk in a long distance....

Angus told me to enjoy my last month here. I also hope so...

我很怕醉生夢死，也許是害怕自己很無用而有罪惡感。
佳陵說她好像從來沒有煩惱，很自得於自己的現狀。無論別人覺得是好是壞。
我想，他這樣的人是很幸福的。
我就是那種擔心了一大堆、思考了一大圈，結果卻跟不經大腦沒什麼兩樣。
比起真笨，可能還更嚴重。

今天原本就計畫要去市區，得去付機票錢。但應該是在meeting之後。可是早上跟Idan聊天，發現我們supervisor去生小孩了!!!所有的咪聽都canceled...於是，我直接去旅行社。
原來歐美嘉的里茲辦公室隱藏在中國超市的附近，小小的很陽春的辦公室，只有一個職員。難怪上次電話轉了半天都沒人接。說用信用卡要收兩趴手續費，偏偏我的SOLO卡現金不足。得留著yube一下。

接著本來想很衝動跳上火車去keighley，可是車班不是很剛好，我又自以為帶了眼鏡出門其實沒帶，索性在市區隨意走走。

市區還是一樣充滿了人、購物人潮。我東看西看，沒什麼想買。但平常常逛的店都走了一圈。
如果這個購物城令我對購物免疫，那也未嘗不是一件收穫!?
話說，LEEDS快要開LV專賣店了，不知道是不是這裡華人市場太大??

逛完了街，我忽然很想吃一頓。考慮名單有little tokyo、thai edge、中國餐館、隨便~~結果貪求划算，我去吃了chinese buffet，五點八五折扣價。
進去其實就有點後悔，因為我並不是想吃很多....但是buffet的真意就是要讓你吃撐!於是我什麼都拿一點...吃盡了我的極限。有小紅帽裡面大野狼肚子裝滿石頭的感覺...

酒足飯飽，走路還打嗝，真的挺痛苦...舉步維艱來到火車站，吃太飽坐也不是站也不是。

等到了我的車，上車竟開始昏昏欲睡。整車穿西裝的下班人們，看著我一個東方臉孔在打瞌睡，
一定很好笑...忽然我覺得我好像我外婆。坐下，就開始打瞌睡。(一定是吃太飽!)
更好笑的是，我醒過來的時候!火車剛好停在我家這站!
我一驚，跳起來撥開檔在我前面的人們...這一刻真的很戲劇化。
我不想坐到下一站啦!Vincent今天去Bristol...我坐到下一站沒人可以救我。雖然也不是沒去過那個車站。

總之一切是吃太飽的錯!下次不要吃buffet了啦!

Sunday night, I sit in my bed listening to the rain outside of my window and playing Pacman game. It's not sad but just a bit waste time. I gave up waiting for you since 8 o'clock. Maybe I should give you a call earlier. Never mind. Just miss you especially at this moment.

You said u may have a slight case of Alzheimer's. yeah, maybe u should really get ur brain checked.... u said ur gonna company me, but u fell asleep for three hours.... and then, you need to go to the lab monitor your reaction. I dont blame you. I've learned not to... The good thing is you are not like those smooth guys.

Im not upset, just...a bit disappointed. But, I cant blame you for working.

Im just too bored. finally finish the dissertation and feel..."that's it???" strange yeah:P
What did I do?? haha

It's rainning outside, remeber to wear a jacket and bring an umbrella with u.
I'll see u tomorrow:D xxx

Friday evening, I went to No.38 see Anoop off (to France) and had a lovely dinner. You were in the viva party then. It's alright as you told me earlier that day.

Anoop, Dwight and I watched TV killing time. It's a bit weird u know... we were waiting to say goodbye...

next month, it's my turn...

say goodbye is not that easy

就這樣???寫完了????

親愛的戴芬妮
離開的日子一天一天近了，來英國之前煩惱的各樣瑣事，現在似乎又要重新run一遍。
住的地方、行李託運、機票種種。
說起來實在很對不住，因為我房子的問題，結果也帶給你大麻煩。

原來最大的收穫竟是計畫趕不上變化。

那天查了機票價格，我境隨性了起來。
好像，反正都是走，反正結果都一樣。早走晚走也差不多。

凱拉說他覺得我們很可惜，因為他覺得mik是個不錯的人。
可惜我們終歸要走。

我開始想，我是不是要早些走?
反正也改變不了什麼?看吧，計畫又趕不上變化了。為什麼這世界變化這麼大呢?

昨天跟凱拉去約克的outlet，這是我第一次去。雖然說東西有便宜啦，與原價相比。
可是，我還是一樣的窮，所以只買了幾袋英國茶當做伴手。凱拉的禮單則有洋洋灑灑三十個名字，
所以他買了很多。

我買了一條paul smith的領帶，凱拉和我同時迷戀上了這個牌子，結果我們都買了很有型的領帶，
給未來的某個人。因為我們一時半刻想不出有誰能襯的上這條領帶。
他說，給自己一個目標也好。
穿paul smith的男人，有這種感覺的男人。

可是，這也不是重點。

If I kept doing like this, I will be suffered....
Should I? Shouldn't I?
Whe n you like a person so much, you tend to expect more and think more...
However,... if you dont even know what the feeling is, what can you do?

那天Wardrobe的音樂並不是太正點，聽聽OK，但不太適合跳舞。
於是我們開始聊天。
Noop向B打聽一個大約三個月前認識的女生，打聽的結果是，對方是蕾絲邊。
但是他並沒有就垂喪了，這是他很令我佩服的一點，也許很多印度人都有這種隨遇而安的態度。
他說，那個女生是還不錯，但是沒有好到追不到不行，而且，既然是這樣，就算了啊。
話是不錯，否則不會在三個月後才打探消息。

在此之前，他和一個法國女生在曖昧，那個女生也有來他們家的House warming party，她目前回到法國去了，雖然noop九月會到法國去參加一個為期三個月的研討會，然而他們並不再法國的桐一個地方。他說他雖然很喜歡P女，但是他不知道是不是要一起開心度過這段時間，或者思考有沒有未來的問題。
我說，那你不該問我囉，因為我也在這裡掙扎。

他笑了，說他以為我們的感情很strong。
我跟他說，我並不太確定你在想什麼。
他說"你們在一起不是嗎?...他怎麼說?"
"他說我很喜歡你。"我說。
noop說，那就是啦!
"可是我還是不知道他的感覺"

我不曉得為什麼他會覺得我們感情好，也許是我太常出現在他家，
也許我們一起的時候那種感覺讓他以為我們感情好。
但是究竟好不好，我都說不出個所以然。

Raul這週末來訪，大夥一起去wardrobe。
後來他跟我說，"我一直在你和M之間扮演邱比特，教你去弄一些巧克力醬遊戲之類的，
但是以後我不會這樣了。"
事實上，他的確是我們之間的邱比特，house warming party那天，就是他去跟M說要主動點。
R說，"你值得一個更多colour的人和生活，M是個不錯的人，但他不能給你那些火花。"
"外面還有很多更適合你的男生，我知道你也知道。"

他某種程度上的確說的一點沒錯。
只是我硬要說服自己，等你忙完，等我忙完，我們會比較不一樣。
我硬要說服自己，你個性如此，我接受。
也許某種程度上，我怕了那些熱情的男人也不一定。

那天Irisha則說他覺得我跟M很相似，有很多共同點。

這是他們看到的我們。
而我看到的我們，綜合了以上。
所以我覺得累。
有時我也有這種幻覺。我們很好，但是我需要更多熱情。

It was Irisha's visiting. I almost forgot why I went into town... anyway, we met up in front of starbucks. (Irisha, Anoop and I) I just bought some stuff at Boots.... that's all I did in town. --- We just walked around and headed back.... to my dear 38 ke**o road. The flat is nice, tho I believe it is the people live here make it warm and adorable.

"who's the girl in your life?" I still remember the answer to the question told by him.
"i dont know what you want." I still remember how he said so.

What I want is simple, however I cannot expect too much and I cannot hurt myself. He should've known that it's also hard for me. I wanted to get involved but I simply can't.

Then he left; I move on with sorrow.
---
But I am changed.

I tell myself to do what I want no matter what's gonna happening. I believe you can feel it, however, I dont know what you want...

I love you but I am getting tired... tell me what to do?

"Wanna come out play?" they always ask so when they are going clubbing. I supposed I am not a clubbing person. But I do like dancing.

They say that I am not like me when I am dancing. R said I hide this part of myself. Maybe it wasn't me, or maybe it is the real me!? I remember that a singer said something like, he cant speak well except when he is singing. In the musical Billy Elliot, it also addresses similar idea. "...just like electricity... I feel free..."
(I dont remember the lyric exactly, but, u know.)
Sometimes you just feel free when doing particular activities... you are really into it, really enjoy it.

[Shipwrecked] the sharks WIN
When I was having brunch this morning (10:30ish), I turned on the TV habitually. I don’t know what’s on actually, just… want to watch something. Apparently, [shipwrecked] is on (channel) T4, and it’s a key episode. The Sharks win Shipwrecked 2006!

I saw the joy of the Sharks as well as the sorrow of the Tigers. However, what’s more important is no one nominated themselves to change tribes. Although both parties knew what exactly is gonna happened. For Shark was the leading island then, if anyone in the Shark tribe nominated himself/ herself, the result will be different. And if anyone in the Tiger tribe nominated him/herself, the relationship among the Tigers would be changed too. The good thing is that both parties persist till the end because unite (together) is the only way to win. And there involves some more humanity things which are more valuable than winning the prize. (maybe it’s not obvious enough now)

I couldn’t help wondering, what is the so-called WIN? In my view, both tribes win in some ways. If life is about the journey, then the process is the best result.

Some competitors said that they never really won something, or they never tried so hard to win. When one really really emphasises certain thing, and really really participates in it, every effort is worth it. (yeah?)

For some reasons, people cannot or don’t want to get involved. Sometimes, if you already saw or expected the result, you may not be able to be keen on doing it. However, what’s the point for making no efforts or doing nothing? Can we just quit our emotions?

Fortunately and unfortunately, we are human. Emotions and love are something irresistible and inevitable. They cannot be complied with sense and reason.
Sense or sensibility? Do I have any options even though you asked me to choose?

我有點累了有點倦了。
我想賴在你身邊，但你並不在這裡。

現在是晚上十點多，我早已結束今天的工作，兩小時前。
洗完澡，忽然真的不知道要做什麼。
忽然，就一陣苦悶。

我撥了通電話給你，聽你說著今天你媽媽來看你，就這麼路過一天，然後離開。
你跟朋友正要打包，準備明天要去的camping，聽你說著大大小小的瑣事，
聽你的聲音在我耳邊飄來飄去。

其實我只是想，聽你說話。

天還早，但我已經什麼都不想思考不想做，
你這一去又是三天。
又是三天啊。

Micke提早一天回來，
昨天給了我熊貓巧克力、熊貓手機座、還有一張他在burger king寫的明信片。

無用的熊貓，我們這麼取笑著可愛的中國特產。

在我家沙發上再度耍賴又耍懶...

沙發真是我的最愛呀。

btw，開心^_^

但是我的網路啊...老天保佑我吧

九月底走

德國，簽證好費勁...我可不可以在八月隨便找個週末去慕尼黑之類的??

說到那個櫻花理論，大抵就是說，我們生命就像櫻花的美麗一樣短暫，所以要好好把握。
是我剛來到里茲時，朋友時常提到的。

我想那時候的我，並不真的了解他們所謂的enjoy life。現在發現，他們大多把這個理論套用在情愛與男女關係上。(為什麼?)

於是我們在這邊可以發現不少在家鄉有男女朋友，在英國也不乏伴侶的人。有些人一個換過一個(像我嘛?)有些人則維持著某種程度的男女朋友關係。先不論彼此的動機、主動或被動的進入這種情況，
反正在人家眼裡的結果，你就是這樣啊。
當我想要辯駁，卻發現一切根本沒有意義。不如不要在意別人的看法。
(既然大家都差不多?是這樣嗎?)

雖然大家都是"年輕人，"但是有人會介意、有人不介意，
有時候我覺得，是否因為我太重視別人的眼光，而導致自己的不痛快。
雖然我不乏陪伴，卻也僅止於某種程度的陪伴而已。(不會是這樣造成"分手"吧?)倒是有些人很積極享受性愛，或多或少造成"話題。"
可是，那又怎麼樣?(我發現我根本不在乎他們怎麼玩，也不會因為這樣就不跟某些人來往)

我一直有意識到我個人的矛盾與防衛。很想要follow the flow，卻總是裹足不前，設想了很多障礙與現實面。結果還不是一樣，對於某些人無法克制，栽進去之後又扭捏害怕投入。只是沒想到我的防衛這麼明顯，連K都發現。

今年初，D就跟我說過，如果不open your heart/ mind，那麼感情是走不出去的。我想，這或許就是我感情無法長久的原因之一。我不敢付出，我總是遲疑。

K又開始跟我說要enjoy life了。
其實不只他跟我說。台灣人、中國人、印度人、日本人、英國人、希臘人，各個都這麼說。可是，當K說他不是認真，我不禁想,此時的y又是怎麼想的?當J摟著今年才來念書台灣女友時,陪伴他一年來的j又作何感想呢?
-----
直到現在，我真的累了怕了。再也不想管會是怎樣的結果，而決定勇敢踏進去。 至少我的心是誠實的。我沒有要欺騙或玩弄，也準備好大哭一場了，其實，現在已經常常在哭了呀。

請你不要再當微溫動物了。拜託救救我。

這是什麼樣的感覺?浮浮沉沉好久了以後，發現原來自己想要的就是這樣的感覺。偏偏，時間、地點、人物總有一個出亂子。

最近聽說一個國小同學結婚了，是個男孩子，他後來念輔大廣告，現在應該是在廣告公司，我想。至於結婚的原因，我就不知道了。
別人早婚晚婚其實對我沒什麼影響，但因為是同學、年紀相仿，自然就會想想自己又是個什麼光景。

以前覺得二十七八歲結婚算是剛好，有一陣子很想在25歲左右嫁掉，我也不知道為什麼。倒不是說自己已經經歷過"大風大浪"而想停泊，說不上為什麼。現在呢?我想只要有衝動、有對象，隨時都可以說我願意。如果沒有，就隨緣吧。

ㄧ個稍懂命相的朋友說我沒夫星，又說我偏印太多，想法奇特。也許有那些對我好的人，或者聲稱要對我好的人，卻因為時間地點人物的奇怪組合，而有那麼一點不對勁。忽然想到很久前就"悟出"的道理:要這樣下去也可以，甚至可以說是幸福的，但是我不想要這樣。

無論怎麼看，我都是個很麻煩的女生。

反過來看，我想要的這樣，在人家眼中卻不一定是幸福。

怎樣才是"我要的幸福"?或許暫時無解，或許永遠無解。
你說說，人一輩子怎麼夠?有二分之一睡掉了，四分之一體驗，四分之ㄧ緬懷,那時已經鬢髮斑白了呀。

今天跟朋友聊天，發現我們今後的生活態度，可能會有大大的轉變。
比如說我們開始沒定性，待不住一個地方太久。比如說我們對感情可能寄望不高。比如說我們不太會積極地賺錢想升遷。之類的。

她也是九月要走，可始終拿不定主意哪天走。早走捨不得，又遲早要走。他說好多人想回來參加畢業典禮，順便辦一些學歷證明的手續。我想，如果我們想回來，這些多半是藉口。趁著辦事情，再放個大假吧!

今天看的電影是the break up。很生活也挺寫實。結局某種程度上是我幻想過的與T未來某年某月的相遇。我很早之前就想過喔，也許某年某月某天，我們各自從外地回到了台南，然後在大家都可能出現的地方，重逢了。然後相視微笑。至於還有什麼?還可能有什麼?寓萬千想像於一個俏皮眨眼吧。

看了這部片，加上今天與K的談話，心態上放鬆也灑脫許多。也許這就是所謂的flow。我們某種程度上只能跟著flow漂啊漂。越是想抓住，越無力。

當他們說人生，還長。我總忍不住要嗤之以鼻。我現在覺得一個人生不夠用。我想要的太多了。當那些年紀比我小，經驗卻更豐富的人跟我說，人生還長，你可以現在開始好好體驗，我也忍不住想要發哼。
可是，畢竟那些已經放水流的年華都回不來了。我在這個年紀，認識一些年長我十幾二十幾的人，認識一些小我個三五歲的人，發現自己還不算那麼貧脊，還好；發現自己還有可以向他們學習的地方，更好。雖然現在整個態度都變成了enjoy life。。。

quite full day...
1. went to a meeting since 9:30 (till 1ish)
2. had a long chat with Kyla (till 2ish-->good to share feelings after such a long time...)
3. then i came back home. (bought some mushroom and tomato in the indian shop on my way back-->good, finally try to eat properly)
4. use spaghetti to cook some soup noodle as...lunch. (yummy)
5. kept coding...the focus group thing
6. caught a movie in the VUE (kirkstall road). it's just close to where i live, i should at least go there once yeah!?
7. back cooking
8. keep coding, again.

原來是甜甜又痛痛的。

今天跟老媽講電話，老媽說我很沒用...一頭栽。
雖然我也不知道我怎麼就喜歡他呢?
雖然我也不知道我原來不計較身高啊?
唉唷。Micke狠可愛咩...雖然男人都不喜歡被說可愛。

老媽說要不要試試看申請工作簽證。
我說，我不確定他是怎麼想的。回來再問吧。
如果我想留下，又是因為感情了。

老媽再度的說我很沒用。

老媽說，不要玩過頭。(他怕我變浪女，我想是這樣)
也是在那邊說圈子小啊怎樣怎樣的。
雖然我聽到這種話就會情不自禁想反駁。
可是算了。
我知道我在做什麼，也不會玩過頭。(我又沒在玩)

昨天又有男人示愛了。我真搞不懂這世界了。
這個男人說，我很需要被照顧。
有好幾個男人說，我應該要備好好寵愛著。我應該要找個有空陪我的風趣男人。
結果呢，我對個大木頭義無反顧。

姊姊的紀錄已經快要破十了~~~光是表愛愛意的喔，去跳舞那種別有用心的不算。請問我的女朋友們都到哪去了...

雖然我跟寂寞有染，但是，好吧，我忙完這波就開始去找女人!!!
女人們我來啦!!!

玻璃之城的台詞。an apple a day while he's away.

沒想過我也會面臨這種情況。我一向就是那個離開的人。但是現在，我竟然成為那個停留著等待著的人。

話說，當你遠行，我反而沒有覺得太寂寞。
也許當你也在這個城市時，我總會認為，你應該要有時間給我電話、應該要有時間陪我一下，我總會很無奈地抱怨你那麼專注工作。可是當你遠行，我竟然順從起時差、距離。可能，你說你會想我、你會寄明信片、緊緊的擁抱，就夠支撐我的想念了。(愛昏頭的我好誇張喔)

叫我狂人~

我很喜歡這首歌，也許是因為我的"中庸"使然。不能太多、不能太少，要剛剛好。天知道什麼叫做剛剛好??
我不該想你太多，也無法不想你，我想現在的感覺就叫做"剛好。"

雖然也許再不久，它會變成我的主題曲，縈繞久久。但，那也會是這"剛好"的一部分。

[太多 - 陳綺貞] 曲︰陳綺貞 詞︰陳綺貞
喜歡一個人孤獨的時刻 但不能喜歡太多　
在地鐵站或美術館 孤獨像睡眠一樣餵養我
以永無止境的墜落　需要音樂取暖
喜歡一個人孤獨的時刻
但不能喜歡　太多

喜歡一個喝著紅酒的女孩 在下雨音樂奏起的時候　
把她送上鐵塔 給全世界的人寫明信片
像一隻鳥　在最高的地方歌聲嘹亮
喜歡一個喝著紅酒的女孩
但不能喜歡　太多

喜歡一個陽光照射的角落 但不能喜歡太多　
是幼稚園的小朋友 笑聲像睡眠一樣打擾我
我們輕輕的揮一揮手　凝結照片的傷口
我喜歡一個陽光照射的角落
但不能喜歡　太多

喜歡一個人孤獨的時刻 但不能喜歡　太多

Aug. 3rd:
You are on the flight to China now. It's been four hours since you are away, and there are still 8.5 days to go. However, I don't feel sad or difficult to go through this. Because you are in my mind.

I am thinking of you all the time. I bet you can tell gradually. I'm getting used to your late reply, your implicit, as well as the bad reception of your mobile. When you asked me to promise I'll think of you, I told you that I am missing you already.

so, I need to be "fed" with loving words...:)

I don't see other guys since I have you in my life. But, but, but...
Again, what can i do?

I ignore the reality on purpose. tho there are many people remind me now and then.

I just want to strengthen my belief. Although it is not easy and needs to be reconfirmed again and again and again.

BUT, don't stop me now, please, please.

以前"順其自然"對我來說是很宿命論、很消極的說法。但是我漸漸習慣了。

可是我認為，"盡人事，聽天命"會比較適合解釋這整個情況，也比較符合我的態度和風格。

終於知道，沒有什麼事情是"自然而然。"而是，在我們做了一些(或很多)努力之後，事情才看似自然地發生。
如果真有不勞而獲，那只能說是幸運了。

所以，最近散發著"很愛"的氣息的blog，就讓他愛到天荒地老吧!!!!!!

os.: 瑪的，找不到資料寫不出來...論文加油!!!

我不知道台灣-英國地理距離到底有多遠，但12小時的飛行距離，7小時的時差，可能讓我稍微有點概念了...真的不近。

其實，算不算幸運呢?在我生命中的前二十多年裡，在我們各自生活著二十多年的那個地方，我的的確確遇到了許多人、經歷了許多事情。然而，比起這將近一年來的衝擊，真的，真的，不算什麼了。

你知道你真是個"幸運的混蛋"嗎?你是我第一個這麼用力去愛著的人耶!

飛越高山海洋之後，在僅剩的有限時間裡，我開始努力燃燒著我的精神氣力，奮力愛著。是11個月來的體悟?3段彩排後的正式登台?
是否所付出的時間與嘗試錯誤，能成就一場完美演出呢?若真能如此，那麼過往的神傷也總算找到其價值與定位吧? (一將功成萬骨枯，哈哈)

拉拉拉提醒我，只剩下三十天。

我不知道自己是不是刻意在進行著"意難忘計畫，"又或者是因為我終於懂得該如何去愛。我只知道，我已經漸漸不去問"為什麼"了。去做，就對了。

I'm a bit confused about which role I am to you.

When you are busy working, I find myself like a "desperate housewife." Dont know where are you (of course, in the lab, gym, or home), when will you be home, will you call me...

But I dont want to be a pet of you. I dont want you to cuddle me just when you got time. However, when I ask for more, I become a spoiled child.

All these bursted emotions are because of my uncertainty and anxiety...or the insecurity you gave me. But, why would I feel so? Is it because I don't have enough time......

You're going to China for a week. How can I pass this long week?? (sigh)
Even you are not with me most of the time:P
Well, I will be good and I will be fine. I'll be here as an understanding
girlfriend.

Many girls/ women address pink as their favorite color. Tho i didn't adore pink since young. Compared with pink, I like "cold" color such as green, blue ane purple better.

But why do I exploit pink as the background color of my blog? Maybe different colors do have different reflection of one's mood and feeling. As to pink, it reflects my happiness and suffering. My mood is definately PINK.

I go on this site nearly everyday. I hope the saturated pink can make me feel love. Probably it's because I don't get enough from my beloved.

Im thinking of new games to make the relationship more interesting; Im coming up with creative text messages to entertain him; Im asking for a proper date... what can I do? and How can I do?

They said to me "I feel u r suffered a lot," and "I think u should tell him, maybe he's waiting for u to tell him too." Well, can't he feel it? or It's me who take this too serious?

I absolutely "play" hard...

C問我們恩不恩愛，我想在一起的時候是吧?
但是我又問了，恩愛的定義是什麼?

一起的時候，緊靠在一起、牽著彼此的手、賴在沙發上看電視...就很幸福。

昨天我才跟朋友小抱怨說，怎麼現在換成我要耍甜蜜、製造浪漫?為什麼他總是這麼忙?朋友說，phD都這樣啦...在做實驗的時候最討厭被打擾。
也因此，我不曉得什麼時候該打電話、什麼時候能得到回應，只能盡量傳點有創意的簡訊。如C所說，我希望在一起的每分每秒都是快樂的。
能夠什麼都不擔心、很確定。

昨晚肚子有點餓，他做了omlette給我吃。我偷偷拍下他下廚的模樣，還有做好的omlette。忽然想，一起的這段時間，還沒在一起之前，都是他做菜給我吃，弄早餐、沖咖啡。那我動動腦耍浪漫，又有什麼關係呢?

I sent u a postcard in Stansted Airport just before leaving, wishing that u might think of me some time. The postcard might can remind u at least.
The fact is u seemed to receive the card the second day I leave and u sent me a text message.

I try to find how u feel and what u feel, but it seems not easy for me to figure out. This makes me feel sad and painful...
I am sufferring in the happiness u give me. When I think about u, I dont know whether I should be happy or feel sorrow. If this is ur way,... I try to persuade myself by thinking this way. However, even a just met new friend shows more concern of me than u do...

Do u know how happy I was when I received ur text last night??

[beginning]
Daphne and I were supposed to go together. But due to some private reasons, she had to give up this trip... which meant, I had to go ALONE.

I admitted that I was always looking forward to travelling myself. However, I was a bit nervous and anxious. It 's my first time to travel alone after all.
[arrival]
Maybe it's bcuz of getting familiar with travel thing, things just went well. After meeting Raul in London, I took underground and transferred at Tottenahm Hale station to Stansted airport. My flight is at 6:30PM, bad timing tho- -" I would arrive at 9~10PM...and then arrive my hostel at 10ish.

Since Salzburg is safe, I just didn't feel afraid.

The night in Salzburg is very quiet and empty. Maybe just we just arrived tourists will appear on the street:P
Tho the hostel is not difficult to find. I arrived safely.

[hostel]
Daphne booked it for me, but the receptionist couldn't find my name on the list... well~ then I asked if they still have a bed for me. Fortunately, they did. They fitted me in a 6-bed mix-dorm. I dont mind tho. During my stay, I found there are more girls than boys. (the snoring guy is the only one in our room)

People come and go, just me stayed for 5 nights.

I met a nice friendly Austrian girl and her cousin who's living in Thailand. They left on my third day there. Afterwards, our room became an Asian room lived with Taiwanese and Korean girls.

to be continued...

ok, i can do it!

im packing now and will go to Salzburg myself a few hours later....yes!!!

Daphne told me she's not gonna make it. She cannot go to Salzburg with me! After all things settle down (incl. room, flight/train ticket all booked).

Yes, OH MY GOD...

I can go myself, but...well, it'll be an adventure. (wow...anxious, excited, nervous...)

Then, we need to make some adjustment on the room we booked. BUT they dont have a single room for me!!!!!

Which means, I need to start search all over again immediately. and I will leave tomorrow! We both look into the website info and try to solve it. Anyway, Daphne found a room for me---YoHo Hostel. I dont care about is it a dorm, mix dorm or else now.

What an "exciting" journey~~~

God bless me:Q

Oh ya! I successfully add new links and categories of this blog! (see right hand side) Now I got recommended links, my album, and my friends'.

Actually it's just as simple as the instruction says. But it's not very easy for me to change or adjust the CSS code for the first time. Cuz Im not familiar with it and I wasn't interested in doing this before. But, it's good to see I change it successfully!!!! (laugh~)

what an achievement! (blush~)

我怕，我又一下子太依賴感情了。
沒有簡訊，我就害怕。沒有電話，我也害怕。沒有見面，我更害怕。

也許你忙、也許你忘了、也許你怎麼了、
我不想想太多，卻忍不住想太多。

可能，事情根本不是我想的樣子。

u r tooooo busy to answer my request????? i've been calling for 3 days!!!

what the service commitment is that...

I just need the roaming service...

我們不是彼此的，我卻禁不住地浮躁、忍不住地想太多。
我必須很清楚這個事實，不該這麼不安定。
可是我只能攤開雙手，聳著肩問: what can i do?

其實生活就是由這些大大小小的，看似無關緊要的事情組成。
當我們覺得自己生活得很廢，或者生活得很無聊，生活得很沒意義...
但它其實也有它的意義。

生命裡每一天都很重要，可是越重要，我們就越想抓住;越想抓住，就越抓不住。好像我們越想把每一天都活的狠充實很有意義，我們就越辛苦。

能不能，我們放慢腳步，聽聽音樂、看看藍天、枕著綠草，也能很充實有意義呢?其實是可以吧?只不過我們太習慣忙碌，或者說，那種忙碌的生活觀、價值觀。我們羨慕鳥兒能飛翔、羨慕游魚、羨慕吹過的微風...卻無法放過自己。

Today, D told me that she might not go to Salzburg with me.
I try hard to make up my mind going for this trip. Try not to rely on him, or relationship that much. I try to believe that he is different.

I went into town to run some errands like, buy some euro, go shopping, pick up train tickets, and go to Orange shop asking about changing service plan. I did all things above except the last one.

I did go to Orange shop, but the staff also need to call the service centre to change details...and, the line is "very busy." But I really want to use my phone in Austria. I need to text at least.

Cuz Im so in love.

很久沒有用PP Live看電視，其實我也只用過他看了奧斯卡頒獎典禮，李安那一段、惡魔在身邊，還有今天看的東方茱麗葉。

小白推薦我"逆風"這首歌，是東方茱麗葉的主題曲，所以我看到這齣偶像劇也在名單上，我就看了一下。

其中又少不了那些"一起就可以抵抗外力、一起就可以克服一切"的情話。然而，也少不了"這樣的幸福是真的嘛?"的懷疑。

我也很想相信這種甜蜜話語，我卻深深的了解，很多事情不是堅持就可以，不是保持信念就可以。

我想你，我想和你一起，這是一件多麼艱難的任務!?

我也沒有很無所事是吃飽太閒，我正在觀察著新的BLOG。
雖然我看著這所謂的名人代言部落格，大部分都是FANS的留言，目前也沒有什麼很有話題性的新聞在發生，
但是這樣，好像就比較有事情做喔。

>[喜歡]最近，我喜歡上一個人。
>[距離]我家到他家的距離，依我走的速度大約要二十分鐘。走到Burley Park Station，轉Cardigan road，接著要走完長長一條Broudnel Road(圖左，ps.照片是在Jackson，一個小超市前面，往Cardigan Road方向拍的，大概已經是在半條Broudnel Road的位置)。這條路一直會接到Hyde Park的邊界，不知道究竟多長，但我需要走七八分鐘吧!
而後我需要斜斜穿越HydePark，到Belle Vue Road右轉，到達Kelso Road。如果是晚上，我就得繞過公園，以免危險。
這樣的距離其實不近，有時我會開始納悶自己怎麼不跟Lini他們住Kelso Heights...。
[樂在其中]但是我依然甘之如飴，因為我知道我走向哪裡。

>[中繼]長長的Broudnel Road幸好有幾處地標，不至於像是在美國中西部開車，景色好像都沒變過，會讓人懷疑自己到底前進了沒:P
Hyde Park Cinema就是我的中繼站，只要經過它，我就更靠近Mikey一點。
>[去向]我不知道我們會走到哪裡，也不知道能走到哪裡。也許，這不是我該問的問題。我只要知道，我們擁有現在。

Some said I shouldn't; some said just enjoy.
I somewhat just dont wanna think of anything or any potential problems. I can do whatever I want to do, and be whoever I want to be. Or it's because, I just want to...

I consider about others' opinions too much and then, I can't find myself. This is the biggest mistake I've made.

I know we might not go anywhere, the relationship might not go anywhere. But, I couldn't not hold your hand; I couldn't not kiss you; I couldn't not cuddle or hug you; I couldn't not think of you.

Relationship is never secured no matter what premise we've set. People can change in just one night, one sec, one critical point.I am learning not to care so much. I wanna feel the love.

Let me feel the love.

六月底與戴芬妮的倫敦行，在Holland Park狠湊巧地拍出了這樣的照片，當然啦，我稍微用了photoshop修了一下:P很浪漫喔!

so in love.
again.

不知道算是好消息還是壞消息?

來這裡有過幾場小戀愛，但是讓我稱之為熱戀的，只有J。

現在M又給我熱戀的感覺啦!

最近在小玲的網誌玩起了小說接力的遊戲，大家都卯足勁在寫。不時有驚喜劇情發展。可是我跟戴芬妮會不會是最"樂在其中"的呢?或者，這成為我們打拼論文時的少數娛樂、少數可以期待的事情呢?
結果是，我們寫小說的進度似乎比論文還超前、還多量。

我把我的故事或多或少放進了夏和樹的故事，一邊回憶、一邊編織，那些我與他、他、他的畫面，變成了夏和樹的情節。

仔細想想，缺了任何人我都寫不出來吧?因為畫面不夠多，不足以放大成愛情。我有很多火花，卻也僅止於短暫的美麗而已。而不美的片段，被我刻意遺忘。

在回憶的過程中，似乎只剩下美好。也許，就像王家衛說的，”過去的並不一定是最好，而是永遠失落了 我們只能用懷念召喚他們，所以才成為最好。”

如果回憶是一個機制，或者是一條程式，是不是我們被設定了要先回憶快樂?以免已經miserable的生活更加miserable?

said to Daphne that we will get up early this morning. But the truth is, she wakes up at 9:30ish, and I lie in for nearly an hour. That means I start my day at 9:40...

I have very simple breakfast, milk, cereal and bread.

I leave my mobile in my room. Ive used to check if there would be miss call or text when im not in. But, none, there's none!
I guess this is another thing I have to get used to from now on.

One important thing that comes to my mind is to clear my mind! Never think about him, him, or him, but my dissertation.<--this is much more serious.

最近時常想起Jon。
大概是因為世界盃在德國的關係。
大概是因為我現在住的地方曾經離他很近。
當然這並不是我搬到這裡的原因，我根本不知道他住哪。只知道是這一帶。
他大概已經回德國去了，否則就是在蘇格蘭的親戚家。無論何者，都與我無關。
與其說我想念他，不如說是我想念有人作伴的日子。
但是要一個合適的伴，何其困難啊!
拿著Orange Wednesday的2 for 1，卻找不到個人一起看電影。
說說也真是悲哀啊!?
今天在街上遇到了同學，卻不想邀人家看電影。
難道我是缺男人缺瘋了嗎?
也不全是這樣。

關於德國，我就只想到了這個冷冰冰的ID。

在台灣的時候，老媽從我國小就開始嚷嚷著搬家這件事，卻一直到現在，我家仍然位在同一地點。
大學的時候我到嘉義去，後來又住到豐收村。這應該是大部分人經歷過的一種搬家。
來到英國，我好像成了游牧民族。先住在鎮遠表哥家，沒幾天搬到Charles Morris Hall，這是底下有食堂的大學宿舍，住起來還頗有feel~;接著到Montague Burton住了差不多十個月，戴芬妮說這裡像個渡假村，的確，由數棟宿舍圍起來的小社區，中庭還有個草地，under常常在這邊烤肉或踢球。今年暑假我搬到了英國學生區，Burley Park，離學校要走二十幾分鐘，到市區就搭十分鐘的火車。先住了閣樓，現在又搬到了Basement。我房間有個對外的窗戶，所以感覺不像地窖。話說這邊的地下樓不都這樣嘛:)
雖然搬家挺麻煩，但是，好像也就是這麼回事。

冬天過後，我很少再去注意那些紅色小車。
曾經很想來一個重逢、曾經很想砸爛的紅色小車。
今天經過學校前，不經意瞥見一輛紅色小車，小車裡似曾相識的人影，讓我加速離開的腳步，頭也不回。
其實我無法確定是否真是他，也許只是個相似輪廓，但是，那又怎麼樣呢?
我已經不再對自己說這個消極的問句了。(它是個問句吧?)
我的生活要繼續，即使他曾經給我如此不同的想望，而我也天真的以為事情會這樣發展。
當信仰被剝奪，靈魂該如何被救贖?

六月二十一日，我在宿舍房間打包。
(其實前天就該打包完畢、昨天就該搬到新住處、今天就該settle down。但是發生一件無奈的意外，害我(們)不僅沒地方住，還要馬上開始奔波看房子)
>我打包了一些書、文具、寢具等等，給一個今年要來念書的國中同學。
心情稍微回到了去年此時。沒有停留太久，因為我有事要忙。
>我打包了一箱冬衣，寄回家。其實很想把東西全部丟掉。
>我打包了書、衣物、雜物、電器、食物。發現打包我的食物好像最簡單。
丟了很多東西，也留了很多東西。房間從不太整齊，變成垃圾堆，然後又漸漸的到了裝箱裝袋，一切開始快要沒人氣感情。如果夠有心，應該要拍個照:P
>我也打包了記憶。
聖誕節玩偶，要捐出。
學生食譜，我帶走。
是根據實用程度決定的吧?我自己都無法分辨。
其實兩者，我都不愛。
幸好這個房間並沒有太多回憶與片段，打包起來不算輕鬆但也不太累。
有沒有一點捨不得?一點都沒有嗎??(只捨不得就要失去宿網了!!!驚)
想不起來，於是無所謂不捨。
我又開始思考那個T為何仍租住那個房間的問題。

"如果有時光機，你想回到過去，還是去未來?"

我打包著我的回憶，去未來。
一路上我想著:
非常想要離群索居，是不是一種病;
非常想要到一個沒有人認識我的地方，是不是一種病。
今天我才問過D。他說當然不是，而我沒有答案。

DVD在英國已經上架許久(今天才發現，這三年前的電影，台灣現在才要上映)
，每次看到他的海報封面，總忍不住駐足。老實說，我並不覺得Scarlett Johanson漂亮，這幅海報的構圖也算常見，但是那眼神，總是那麼令人想知道，這究竟是個什麼樣的故事?

劇情本身並不曲折，但就我的理解，這是一個愛情故事。令人悵惘歎息的故事。

ㄧ個有名的、有才華的畫家，並不能改變女傭的生活、或者她的命運，甚至無法保護她、為她說點話。而必須屈服在贊助人以及岳家的經濟支持上。

葛莉葉並不是個粗野村婦，內斂蘊藉而有分寸。然而她一定也幻想過愛情，與維梅爾的愛情。只是始終無法跨越現實。

至於肉販兒子彼得(他們最後結婚了)，他或許是葛莉葉的出口，還不算太壞、現實生活中算是理想的出口。畢竟，她不能奢望什麼南瓜馬車的童話。

每個人都在掙扎、對抗與妥協，沒有所謂最佳的平衡點。現實中或許我們都不想破壞某種和諧，卻將每個人都遷就在此。沒有人得到，卻已經失去。無論貧富。
生活是什麼顏色?也許總能拂去表面那層灰，就像葛莉葉收到那副珍珠耳環的時候。

這是個說複雜不複雜，但是說簡單卻也不單純的小社會。
我們在這裡以學生的身分，認識了一些社會上、世界上我們不太可能認識到的人。

學生身分，給了我們一層貌似單純的保護傘，但是大家並不甘於只當學生的一年。在這裡，浪蕩、流言、手段仍隱約可見。把這海外留學生涯當作生命中難得、甚至最終，可以不顧一切的舞台的，大有人在。有自以為是的人、有無奸不商的生意人、有放浪形骸的人、有回頭是岸的人、有正經的人，也有單純的人。

無所謂好與壞，他們都在扮演著自己。只不過同時也是學生罷了。

我們大驚小怪時，只是因為我們把大家都單純化了。其實我們都在這條進化、或者說社會化的路上，由於不同的起跑點、不同的適應力，而有了不同的反應。

這些人與其說是朋友，不如說是我們轉變的觸媒、催化劑。

我仍躲在這個保護傘下。因為我還是學生，我還可以好惡分明;因為我還是學生，我可以有少一點的面具。

但是很重要一件事，是把面具準備好。隨時可以上演變臉的戲碼。
情緒性的言詞與表現，會漸漸被隱藏起來。

我在追尋著什麼?那可能是連我自己都無法定義的蛻變與感情態度。我當然希望會變的更好，然而這過程艱辛、充滿誘惑，亦可能走向無限沉淪。
也許我會回到原點，而我已經不是那個我。
或許這將是此行的最大意義、最大收穫。成長，回到原點的再出發。
不論感情、專業或者態度。
---
我應不應該take a lover?這是個困擾我許久的問題。我知道他們並非我想要的，所以我不該浪費時間在處理這無謂的寂寞。但是這無謂的寂寞卻那麼嚴峻，寒冷地足以致命。這是我從來都不曉得的。

不能說我沒受傷，
我學會了保護自己，play on the safe side。
我也失去了努力去幸福的力氣。D說，如果我不能open mind，那麼感情是無法走向任何地方的。
我的疑問是，如何知道他是不是對的人?如何能在遇到對的人的時候，還能敞開胸懷?既然我已經習慣了defensive...或者我不該杞人憂天，這是一種天性。
---
我會跌跌撞撞，但是我知道黑暗的盡頭有光。
會有那麼一個對的人。我始終相信。

五月十一號，我帶著愉悅的心情，搭上前往愛丁堡的火車(在約克轉車)。
對這一場逃亡，我興奮多過一切。彷彿只要上了車，就可以駛向另一個國度。至少心態上是如此。

其實我很喜歡搭火車，沿路風景就不多說了，英國的鄉間風光總有辦法令我開懷。這是種很神奇的魔力。

我喜歡"離開"往"目的地"的那種感覺，不管是否真有那麼個目的地。離開，相對來說，變成另一種"出發"。而"出發"，令我充滿生氣。我想牡羊座的虎頭蛇尾的所有可能，在我身上得到充分印證。我對"開始"總是鬥志高昂，而面臨結束，常提前表露意興闌珊的窘態。對此我必須向我的夥伴們說聲抱歉。而我正試圖改變，必須改變。

再不到幾個月，我也將"離開"這裡的生活。有點感傷，其實。

幾度回到所謂原點，原來並不算太差。
理性上來說，我回台灣應有較好的發展(hopefully lol)。但那也代表著那些可能的悠閒的終結。工作工作工作，將成為生活的極大部分。
感性上，我想留下，即便陽光如此難得、食物如此乏味...
我想這一方面是一種莫名的迷戀，一方面只是為了爭一口氣。一口氣罷了。(然而這已經不是keep hope or not的問題)雖然回去一樣可以實現、雖然我爭的那口氣老實說沒什麼意義。

與其說這年是學習的旅程，不如說他是個放逐了過程(雖然其實是我心態轉變成放逐)。因放逐有其痛苦與追尋的成分，也因此比學習更能展現旅行的意義。

我尚未認真想過我得到了什麼，或許一時半刻也無法驗證。我想，學業上的所得較之生活上的有限，卻也足夠我受用(也許就是那只文憑?)。更抽象者比如何做、妥協、堅持，等等。
至於唸書，省省吧。

朋友，其實比例上來說，出國能交到契合的朋友的機率本就相對的低，也因此學會了看開、學著要取捨。無奈，卻真實(bloody real)。短暫的友誼，能多誠摯?不是說我們對人心存懷疑，不相信人性，而是時空的特殊性使然。這條道理，似乎也能放在各種感情上都合用，而且更殘酷。

The weather is so nice that I can not do without going out. Especially when I've finished my part (assignment), at least, temporarily.

I decide not to hide in my flat and go out get some sun tan!<--do i need it? haha:P I just want to stroll around and enjoy the nice sunshine, light wind, and lazy afternoon. But am so relaxed that I feel 'guilty'! (seems everydoby's working tho...)

I bought corned beef pasty at Greggs and went to the art exhibition in the Light. (not arty tho:P) And then walked around the city and went to 'the fire house' for a drink(order 'shirley temple'<--good) last afternoon (@6ish). I couldnt help thinking that, "gosh, it still takes another 3 hours to get dark. what the hell!? and Im just passing my time!" u know how that feel? so weird and incredible tho.I was working day and night a few days previously but am now relaxed in a sudden.

I did do some reading tho while I couldn't concentrate for too long. I should enjoy the leisure time for I might not have it any more when I go back to Taiwan. The work environment, law and attitudes are quite different from that in the UK. 'guess this might be the thing worthy memorise and miss.

Well, since I was so leisured, I walked around and took picx of those pubs/bars I've ever been to. Though some of them are lost in my memory or too far to get there. <--see how bored i am
And I started to count how many pubs/bars i've visited b4<--crazy.
There are 20, at least, and the number is increasing. They complete my life!!!!!! GOSH! (Im not a drinker! definately no!)

I went to another 2 bars/restaurants with Vincent this afternoon. Again, it is bcuz of the nice weather. It is so nice that he cannot stay home writing essay; it is so nice that I cannot stay home surfing the net. and I need to collect my attendance letter at uni as well, so I must go out! must!

What I dont understand is that why would people change over night?
so sudden and so cruel

Why the UK is not immigrant-friendly to Asian students?

I don't want to leave so soon but it is hard to get work permit and so does a decent job.

It depressed me...

I know it might not be better for me to stay here, compared with returning Taiwan.

It costs about 300 pounds to apply for the permission. And it also takes time and efforts to prepare for the documents and references....damn.
Why you prohibit my passion this way? sigh............

In fact, i just wanna show that I can do it. I am so reluctant to accept these. Cheating and disguise stimulate my will to fight, while I have to submit to the reality... the bloody reality.

之前提過，這一年對我來說好像是個桃花年而不是唸書年，至少，相對來說。

並不是說我在這裡變成萬人迷，雖然說我的確發現自己非常的大眾口味，
非洲歐洲英國都還挺吃香的呢!當然這沒有什麼不好，只是讓我稍稍感慨。
我不知道那些男人要什麼，或者他們想得到我什麼。我深深覺悟到to get a man is never a problem. But who is the right guy? 我想我們仍然不能用正常眼光去看待這裏的感情，除非建立在一個十分清楚的前提之下。

Lu說這是有魅力的人的宿命。
老實說，我並不覺得我有魅力或者是特別漂亮，我要的只是平凡的感情。
分享彼此的生活，心裡不孤單的感情。

"為什麼這裡一個人都沒有?為什麼我這麼孤單呢?"剛剛看的日劇對白，還正好要下起傾盆大雨，然後女主角出現。這樣才夠戲劇。

先不說友情。在這裡很奇怪，是我在台灣不曾有過的經驗。
我並不是亂放電那種，因為你也知道我不戴眼鏡的，就是瞎。以前J問我有多少男人try to approach u and talk to u，我說根本就沒有啊。但是在這裡，我可以說我真的不愁沒人陪，就算沒了一個，都還有幾個，就算現在沒有，也很快就會出現另一個。這是詭異的一個桃花年，我深深的以為。

可是，我不要了。我不要這樣。i don't want to take a lover.
能不能大家都當朋友就好，長長久久。就算不連絡，也至少不心痛。
不是我沒有勇氣，只是我不想浪費我的勇氣。愈挫愈勇不是個常理。對我來說。

Finding Wonderland

枕套上Armani的味道淡淡的像我的幻覺，是已經消逝、或者根本未曾存在?我找不到說明他確實存在過(著)的證據。

他離開前，我就在想，如何保留這個氣味?他回來了，這個味道卻已經消失不屬於我。只剩下一個嗅覺的俘虜。

我常在想，我是什麼味道?試圖在睡前來一場bvlgari綠茶香水雨，卻總是養不成習慣。喜歡一種味道，不見得適合這個味道。

我一直不想依賴，結果遊牧的感情、逐水草而居變成我緊抓的浮木。想必比依賴一個人、一件事還糟糕吧...填不滿的無底洞，還在期待救贖。

我爬不上來、喊不出聲，漩渦中心靜靜的看著世界越來越遠。什麼力量能蒸發這條失戀河，讓一切恢復正常?

I must be so tough that I can sustain all these challenges, pressure and 'shit'. Ironically, I paid to suffer myself. I deserved it.

My life is a test and mission. I am thankful in some ways.

I dont have to pretend that I am strong, cuz I already am. That is not to say I am happy with it. I was deprived of being naive and delicate. And this is the process of progress.

女生閒聊的時候，說到想要交外國男朋友。她們看我，問我怎麼交外國男朋友。
我淡淡的說，他不是我男朋友。他們兩個，都不是。
朋友們很識相的轉移話題，沒多說。

這個國度中，要實現這個want並不難，只是一旦碰觸了，就變成了現實的問題。而這個現實，阻擋了我的勇氣和真我，並刺殺了我的感情。

因為現實，我不敢付出不敢依賴不敢表現我。
因為現實，你看不到我感覺不到我。

我不能說全是你的錯，只遺憾你無法看到我，在黑暗中你找不到我。
或許這樣想法很天真，但是我始終相信，會有個人看的到、找的到我。
這是我的固執、我的任性。

我知道會是這樣，因為我早已這樣想。或許是我太過屈服於現實，或許是我自己不爭取，也或許我根本無法也無力爭取。

有些人們因為分開而更需要彼此；有些人們因為分開而看清現實。
剛好我們是後者。

覺得自己在這裡好無奈，總是'應變'的那一方。Timing永遠抓不好。

我知道自己不夠愛你，只是對現實環境有點失望。

Vincent說，要開始當個好女孩。遇到好對象再去追。

我哪時候開始不是'好女孩'了?
在他的定義裡，搞不清楚自己就已經是大忌。

前言:
對"被安撫的貓"很有感覺，不知道為什麼。老實說，到底是"貓可以被安撫"?還是"貓接受被安撫(只要你願意安撫)"? 接受不代表贊同，只是尚可。
因為還不到忍無可忍，所以全部接受。其實，也沒什麼好"不能忍受的"。
沒有承諾沒有前提，所以談不上什麼忍不忍受不受。
只是不等於"我們"的"兩個人"，如此而已。

你說什麼我都說"好"，
仔細想想自己真的沒怎麼拒絕過誰的要求。只要我做的到。
但是"只要我做的到"這個前提本身就有很大range...

你說什麼我都說"好"，
因為沒有什麼好拒絕，也沒什麼需要拒絕。

到頭來就變成一隻被安撫的貓。你招招手，我蹭蹭你的腳，視反應決定去留。還能走的趾高氣昂滿不在乎。

你要伴而我有空，我要伴的時候你有空，事情碰巧就是這樣?放大來說，人生、社會不都是這樣嗎?這個供需問題原來就是這樣解決。

因為是碰巧，所以沒有負擔。
因為不想要負擔，所以說是碰巧。

我是前者還是後者?你是前者還是後者?
這TMD是個無窮回圈，說不定連自己也永遠弄不清楚。

就像很多人搞不清楚喜歡還是愛、搞不清楚是一時情緒還是真心誠意。感情就是這樣嗎?

這個環境給人的不確定性太大。
大家都說不要太認真，所以人人都不敢認真。

結果是什麼?

把真心隱藏的太完美，而忘記自己原來也只是不能抵擋傷害的血肉之軀。

會失去什麼?
不只是個人的感情價值，也失去了信仰與愛的可能。


但是我已經被鍛鍊成這樣了。一隻貓。

從上星期到今天，我一直在深深的深深的project沼澤中。說是泅泳不如說是溺水...

今天中午，終於把這個完成了，卻還有一個報告追趕著我，也許兩個小時的睡眠之後，它就要開始鞭笞我的意志與腦力...

可是我發現自己竟然還有空想你。

最近我一直都是用離線模式存在著，避免打擾的同時，也是在躲窮追不捨的組員，對，他不是對我有意思，是很會盯進度...我好累:(

好不容易你有假期，好不容易你在線上，我卻只能在休息的間隙看著contact list你的帳號發呆。

也許我會想念你只是因為我現在的狀況和環境。你，我猜你只是因為contact list上的人都不在吧?我能再早上五點叫你起床也是因為時差的關係。

我跟自己說，一切都是環境與時差。

希望這個理由足夠催眠我想著你的不爭氣的頭腦。畢竟它現在已經虛弱無力到了某種程度。無法作用。

其實無法確切說出喜歡倫敦什麼，也許就算是他空氣的味道也某種程度地令人著迷。像你可能也說不出喜歡台北(隨便哪個地方都好)什麼(臆測而已)，就連為什麼喜歡一個人都說不出所以然來...

這幾天的生活像是按了repeat，essay->blog->essay->blog...寫著寫著累了、無法思考了，就看看自己以前的文章、照片，有感而發就寫幾篇...產能大增。

剛剛看了年初去倫敦的照片，感覺比去年夏天多了些惆悵。很像人家去拍寫真，眼睛不看鏡頭佯裝的落寞和若有所思。

當時在想什麼?其實我記得很清楚。我希望在我身邊的是他，我希望他帶我一起旅行。但是寂寞的預感是那麼那麼強烈...原來我早已預見結果。

看著在tower hill、river thames河畔的那些照片，拍的當時就調成了黑白復古色，很有懷舊味道。"樹葉被什麼射線打中，瞬間枯黃"的畫面蹦地出現。我的愛情彷彿也被注射了一劑毒藥，或者被什麼放射線照射到了， 瞬間氣絕了。

想起去年聖誕夜，和他與朋友們去他家附近一家curry house吃飯。我記得拍了些照片，卻不知道是錯手刪了還是怎樣，總是找不到。我想只能存在我目前不太中用的腦子裡了。

其實我不是想念他，只是想念一種感覺。我想念早上起床有人泡一杯熱奶茶給我;我想念客廳裡那棵聖誕樹;我想念小車裡的柴油味，儘管我並不喜歡那味道。

我一直惦記著要拍聖誕樹的照片，直到聖誕節都過了、新年過了、感情也過了。一幕幕在我眼前轉成黑白老照片。

必須要承認兩者之間的確有很大不同。

T一直在我心中佔有某個角落，還不知道是重要的位置或者只是我特地留給他的一方空間。

最近的周末總是會跟他聊上幾句，生活瑣事，或者就只是很笨蛋的、一點都不精采的無聊對話。但即使是這樣也會令我感到愉悅。

從前對他的文章上癮，現在只覺得他對感情的態度(在寫作上)十分真誠。如D所言。

我們還有沒有可能?這個問句常常會蹦出來，就像卡巴斯基防毒軟體的對話框，"您的電腦正遭受XX病毒的攻擊..."，突如其來地跳出視窗一樣。

先不管這個問題。趁著我還對此問題感到振奮，我把他的網誌丟給幾個好姐妹看。Lu說"搶回來"、Ling說"哇"、D說"很少見"。

然而當我丟了對話紀錄給H看，卻換來嗤之以鼻的氣音。當然MSN不能表現出他的態度，只是我感覺到了。

我以為他看了網誌會有些許態度上的轉換，結果
沒有。

當然，男人、女人看待同一件事情或者同一個人的時候，基於先天或後天的不同、背景以及種種原因，而產生非常大的差別。

至於背後的原因，不追究了。

我，只是很高興他打了電話來。

然而，這世界上有很多人的行為是不可認真對待的，

其中兩者是當兵的人還有留學生。

基於環境的不正常性。

而我們，恰好是這兩者。

今天英國的好天氣持續了異常地久，可惜我還在報告與journal中打滾。

我偷偷地瀏覽了一遍和T的對話紀錄，想要找點蛛絲馬跡。可是我不願多想。可能性是可以被assumed，可以被捏造的嗎?還是我們順著演下去(或許需要有點心機地演)，就可以演成預設的樣子?

我不想還是不敢?如果他可以告訴我，我們可以很直接的放棄了彼此的自尊與防衛。在談笑風生的藩籬背後，我們是誰?

忘了是張曼娟還是張小嫻寫的句子。很久以前拿來安慰、振奮和諷刺自己的句子，今天，卻可以看著想著然後嗤之以鼻地、哼哼乾笑幾聲。

我們常說"緣份"，說修了十年、百年，換得同船渡、共枕眠。看起來很不划算，說穿了是哄騙自己。

我要不要這麼cynical?只是很誠實而已。

今天在電腦教室瞥見了他，我演的很好，像是沒看見一樣。裝著忙。看到他也不知道該不該打招呼的神情，覺得好笑，我繼續演。直到他離開了電腦教室、離開了我的視線，我知道這個人是徹底離開我的生活了。

我做的種種努力，像是刪除他的MSN、忽視他以前送的禮物、不去看以前的文章、視而不見、碰巧眼神接觸了，可以若無其事給他一個大大微笑...
都是為了今天這一個轉捩點。

我不需要刻意去證明我的生活很快樂很充實，我只要照著我喜歡的方式過生活。(與D共勉:D)

聽過一句話說，"愛了多久時間，就要用多久去遺忘"。從傷痛、淚眼到今天，好像按了delete，並沒有花去多少時間，因為其實沒那麼愛、因為時間寶貴、因為我想通了。我只是少吃了一份午茶點心。

我們都自私，所以也都了解:我們擁有的只是個短暫的時空。

我曾經傷心，因為我以為的愛情原來可以不經過努力、不經過爭取而瓦解。如果把我送他的他送我的東西藏匿起來，我們可以大言不慚地說，其實什麼都沒發生過。就好像被外星人洗劫了記憶。

我想，如果把這個故事的結尾改寫得美麗一些，或許(將來)可以給我的小孩ㄧ個動聽的床邊故事。然而它並沒有深刻到激起我的動機。相反的，我寧願我是被光束吸上了太空船，然後帶著部分的空白回來。
於是我自己做了這個動作。

令人感傷的是，我一點也不覺得可惜。

When we were in Idan’s living room watching TV, we saw the ad of the film, Crash. Natassa said it was good, and Elli said it’s depressing. I couldn’t help wonder how the movie is.

I watched it yesterday and found it’s interesting, though maybe include a bit depression.

It talks about racial discrimination. It mainly focuses on black-white racial problem though it also tackles with the “crash” among different races such as White (mainly American), Asian, Black, Middle East, Caribbean, etc, and also the “crash” in relationships.

When involved with races, situation turns complicated easily. The more we try to “do the right thing”, the more we feel contradictory and discrepant. What is “fair” and what is “right”? The problems originate from not only languages, cultures, and lifestyle but also where (e.g. which country) people chose to live.

As we chose to “migrate” (or go) to where we don’t belong to (at least not originally), the problem is inevitably coming to us.
It can’t be denied that we all more or less have “discrimination” against some people or some aspects. Sometimes it’s because of some deep rooted perception of stereotypes of …whatever they are. However, who and by what “educated” us to form the perception?

When some sacrifices are needed to achieve “equal status” and “fair”, should we make concessions? Forget “what is right” for a sec!?

We must be aware that what matters is sincerity and genuine when dealing with relationships (either friendship or love…). However, when will we trust, respect, and treat equally other people who don’t look like “us”?

又是一個每隔一段時間就有的"省思"
(以下這段用過去式)
本來我的MSN SPACE是用英文寫的，經過一個事件之後，我開始想，我為什麼要寫英文...
其實說來很簡單，因為他會看我的BLOG。
似乎是第一次，因為喜歡一個人而做改變。雖然我不知道他喜歡我什麼、又為什麼...我沒來得及問。
我第一次，因為這城市裡有一個特別的人而牽掛。
在巴塞隆納牽掛著、在馬德里想念著、在愛丁堡惦記著、在倫敦諷刺的懷念著。
我還以為能一起在南岸散步，以為能一起過生日。
小心堆起的期望，原來一碰就散落一地。

現在想想，是個玩笑。當作玩笑，好些。
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後來我把這裡當做寫英文的地方;
勤勞地遷徙了回憶的軌跡，卻發現好難繼續下去。
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生活搞笑的成分漸漸佔據MSN SPACE。
雖然我偶爾仍寫些感覺與呻吟，卻是那麼無力。
我希望我的SPACE傳達一個有趣的、好笑的，有玩心過生活的我。
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和Lulu的交換日記，有些時候專注在我們的感情事件(或說感情生活?);
有時候我也寫些有英國味道的東西，像是下雪天、逛超市、等等。
其實交換日記的目的，就是讓對方知道你現在在想什麼，有什麼好玩的快樂的難過的新發現的。

尤其我們在兩個不同的國度。此刻的心情、所經歷的種種，都分外值得分享。隔空傳遞的溫暖，是我格外珍惜的。

當然，我也希望能多給一些文化的生活的體驗，好讓我們的日記更生動些。
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至於這裡。好像成了我堆疊文章的地方。這樣不太好唉><
於是給自己一個新任務。在這裡誠實面對自己。

故事
並不是所有故事都有王子公主城堡馬車,並不是所有故事最後都是快樂生活在一起.

在一些故事裡我们離開了;一些故事裡,我们則是留下的那一個.

走的灑脫,留的執著.灑脫或執著沒所謂好壞對錯,有時只待時間來改寫.

你的那個故事裡,或許有相視微笑的可能;我的那個故事,只是個大綱,沒寫到想要的片段,也寫不出,所以扔進字紙簍,像作家突然中斷的靈感.

不想費勁找回.也沒靈感寫新的故事.停滯了.明白了不是人人都能當多產的作家.多產而質精.

有些人,窮極一生寫不出東西卻執意逗留;有些人,寫了太多蜻蜓點水;有些人集結許多短篇,是種像煙花的燦爛;有些人寫一個故事寫了老久,可能雋永有味也可能流於雞肋;

我们都在尋找一個可能成為代表作的故事,好好寫下去.可是在我找回付出的勇氣之前,代表作也許只能夢裡構築.

I said I need to balance my life and feeling. Fortunately, I finished my work today, I decided to have a film. My plan was to have a cup of coffee, then film and dinner. Sounds too over:P I saw Jenny was online, so I asked her to go together. She said she could do coffee. But finally it turned out to be me only. Cuz she had to run some errands with Kyla and a flatmate. I was meant to go by myself.
I checked the film times, but they didn't update the information...I was mistaken by the website.

I picked another way to loop around the city, very leisured. I used to do so when I was in Taiwan, try another way and find something new/interesting. As I am here, this becomes sad and lonely. I told myself I am comfortable with this. Hypnotize myself, maybe.

Anyway, it was good to walk on my own. I don't have to care about where others want to go, I don't have to care about what's next......And I found many restaurants around. Let's try next time!
When I went to the VUE, it was about 3:10. There are not so many movies on that time. (damn!) And the time schedule almost confused me. So I went to a ticket machine to check the times and found I can see [V for Vendetta]. I like Natalie Portman, and the trailer, as I recalled, was good. There it is.
The student tickets in the machine were sold out, and the cash machine wasn't working at the till. (What the hell?) I bought the ticket at the desk which sells drinks and popcorn. amazing.
The movie was started when I walked in. I got a nice seat quickly since I was alone, it wasn't hard for me to get a decent seat. And tried to understand what's going on already.
Do not disturb!!! hahaha:)
It is kind of belief of revolution mixed with personal hatred. V wants to rebel against Fascism.
Regardless of all those symbolism, I grabbed something about freedom, the freedom of individual. ( Isn't this just why I went out today? )
We are all somewhat caged in something. No matter what it is, the best way to deal with it is experience it, feel it and face it.
If there was something wrong, we need to rebuild it.
Anyway, when they blew up the parliament and big ben, I couldn't be more happy! Morale boosting!!!

Vincent is right. Relationship could be simple and straight forward.
Based on honesty, clearness, sharing, and caring...

After those so called date, what are we gonna do next? Can we or should we move forward? What would the relationship be?

Honestly, I am a person who prefer clearness to ambiguity. Although I am happy with being with you, I can't decide whether to give and whether to enjoy...
I am scared of making the same mistake.

It's a yes/no question to me. If we enjoy each other, why not move forward and give it a try? It has nothing to do with past relationships, nationalities, or else. It all depends on your mindset.

It's about what I can give, what you can offer and how we gonna work it out. Everybody's busy. But we still have time for that, talk.

Woke up around 9:30. I took a shower to energize, and make me some oat meal complemented with honey nut corn flake and two slices of rustic multigrain (toast). Tesco’s private label, value for money and…healthy!
I think it is good to start a day with healthy and luxuriant breakfast. This somehow recalled me my friends in the Uni. We usually made appointment of breakfast gathering although it sometimes became luncheon.

Btw, I took picture of my fruit kit! Karman asked me why I put fruits in that basket. I said this makes life more delightful. Sometimes even a small decoration could make you happy. I guess the fruit kit is the only thing that could light up my poor room:P
Got to concentrate on work! Oh ya!
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“Shall we talk?” Good song isn’t it? We don’t talk, because I felt relieved and comfortable when I was with you. I took the gift and didn’t ask why.
Today I am going to take my heart back and steal back my memory. Cuz it’s the only way to move on.

Before the story

It is not easy to find someone with similar attitude to you. This is another issue addressed in Pride and Prejudice. Sometimes opposite attracted while sometimes people adore the similarities. It’s an old dilemma and contradiction. Tricky, very tricky...

Last night, I saw unconsciously the movie Pride and Prejudice. Because I already know the plot, and most of Jane Austin’s novel are similar in some ways. But I heard the last conversation between Liz and her father, clear and impressive.

I cannot believe if anyone can deserve you.” (Not sure if I listened right) This is what a father told a daughter. I am easily been touched by this kind of plot since you’ve been absent from my life for so long so long.
My mind wandered in the thought for quite a while. If you were here, what would you say to me? It’s embarrassed. I never talk to you about this and can just imagine your reaction. It was a deep regret that I could no longer compensate for.

Sometimes I would suddenly think about you and wonder if you were still here. Just wonder.

I stare vacantly at the late-winter sunlight softly shines. While the freezing wind blows relentlessly. Strange weather condition of England. I couldn’t help wondering how it relates to people’s attitude and personality.

Since he’s been gone, I find many things that make me happy; shopping, gourmet food, and reading. Sometimes, I wonder if it started all over again, would I do the same thing. Definitely, I would say yes without regret.

It is not only a question of philosophy, but the aggregation of one’s experiences that make one choose which way to go. We accepted that we cannot make things change. However, what hurt people deeply are the attitude differences. I understand that it would no longer be the same. But he abandoned me just like I don’t exist. This is what really hurts.

I would rather be an isolated cat, the animal that I always admire, than a stray dog. At least I retained my pride. A person like him isn’t worthy of my tear or anger. I should know that. I have to work harder to glitter.Longer and longer day time suggests that spring is coming.

Strawberry is a special fruit which is not tasty but could inspire your imagination.
Juicy, fruity aroma, red,--->happy, love, luxury...

I try to think of the flavor of strawberry, while there is just the artificial smell I can recall.

Is it because of Valentine’s Day that many brands or shops promote strawberry products proactively? Skincare, ice cream, little product…
When does strawberry relate to love?

Dear there,
Remember that I told you the painting I saw in National Gallery? I search for her story online tonight. Although I haven’t read them all, I already felt miserable. Maybe it’s because I know the ending in advance.
http://www.ladyjanegrey.org/
She couldn’t be herself in her short life. Realizing this, I couldn’t help wondering if we know who we are? Do we really enjoy the way we live?
Every time we talk about life philosophy, we become confused; almost as if we did nothing progress.
We are not nobody. We have to believe that every thing got its pattern. We did this is not because of we don’t know what to do.
I’m heading for the right direction. And I know I can achieve my goal.
You have to trust in yourself as well.

Cheers
Jackie

I am not a very well-organized person.
(>>> while I always try to be.)
However I found that my try-out is in vain every time. Maybe I have the potential of living in chaos!?

I kid you not! I can find something decent in a flea market; I can find appropriate outfit during boxing day/final sale and enjoy the process without getting tired.

That's why I like to go to physical stores
especially book store, traditional market, charity shop..., to hunt for treasures. You would never know what you'll find and there are always surprises.
Btw, I bought a hard back 'Kafka on the shore' for just 5 pounds!!! Cannot believe it! Ha*2
Check it out, man!-->

Be aware that I am not saying that I like mess. Just I can usually dig something out of the mess.
^(^ Actually, it does inspire our creativity, at least...sometimes.

Our story ended in coldness.
I moved here most of my memories of confusion and happiness you gave to me. And wiped out the shock, sorrow and anger.

When people are in an unfamiliar place or studying/working abroad, they tend to be sensitive. Feelings would be magnified.

I learned, and I growed up. As time goes by fast, I have to recover the earlier the better.

Be better, this is what I promise to myself.

Dec. 27th: missing u in Spain
Our excursion in Spain was 'exciting' and 'relaxed'. We tended to think that Spain is much warmer than England. But it was cold! Maybe it was so different from my imagination that I feel it was just as cold as here.
We are tourists, so we have to go sightseeing and cannot let slip any tourist spots. Well at least we went to most of the popular spots like casa milla, sagarada familia...
In short, we roamed through 'Gaudi Route'.
In spite of the scary crime, we had a good time.

While I was in Spain, I miss England, I miss Leeds, I miss you. That's strange. It wasn't like a trip. And I was absent-minded. I did enjoy my holiday. But it would be nicer with u.
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Jan. 3rd: empty
It’s not so cold. In English way, it is pretty warm today. After studying, I went out to meet friends. Yeah! Starbucks again. But it was sad that the machine had been broken that they couldn’t process solo card. That’s fine. I saved a cup of coffee. It’s not necessary though.
Finishing chatting, they suggested to go shopping. Don’t know why I just wasn’t in the mood for shopping. Guess my mom will be quite happy hearing this. That’s right, your daughter is becoming a frugal.
Yet I went to the Body Shop buy the toner, body cleansing gel, and face mask. 3 for 2, good deal. Then I went to Morrisons for essentials.
It seems nobody’s home yet. Empty suddenly bursts out. My whole day is sunk in the atmosphere of ‘don’t know why’ and I acted like a ghost maybe. I can gradually understand why Lulu doesn’t want to have meals alone, doesn't want to come home alone.
It is like but not equal to lonely. We just tend to mix them up. And lose the sense of existence. How can I enjoy life better??
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Jan. 3rd: girl friend
is a tough job
i don't know how to be a girlfriend:~
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Jan. 6th: limited edition
Women are enchanted with this phrase, limited edition.
To address this broadly, it includes not only limited edition in practical, but also in imagination.
Even in the ready-to-wear market in whice clothing are mass produced, as a woman sees there left only one piece on the shelf and it just happens to be her type/taste...
What happens next is GO(PAY) FOR IT.

I must confess...
I bought a Whittard plate, and a MEXX dress. The sales are so charming that I cannot say no, especially when those two are the only left in the shop. Furthermore, they are in appropriate color and exactly my size...

I know I know I know.
Rules of next week:
1.No shopping
2.No recreation (unless it's free)
3.No coffee/ dringking (refer to rule #2)
4.Keep expenditure less than 35 pounds/week

Remember to remind me if needed.
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Jan. 8th: a goodbye ceremony
Goodbye Ceremony,
I wrote about this topic before.
This writing is inspired by our long conversation this evening.

We know that sometimes we really have to say goodbye to a relationship, to our past, to something unpleasant…
although it is hard.

As time goes by, we think we are recovered, however,
do we really feel happy with that? Or just because we ignore the pain?

When we meet someone, or enter a new situation, the wound would sometimes be cured. But sometimes new relationship discloses the past and magnify the sorrow. That’s what annoying.

Most of time, we cannot say ‘goodbye’ because we wish it’s still possible to go back.

Forget about forgive if we just can't. We'll be fine. But,
Do we really need a ceremony to claim our revive?
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Jan. 19th: Sex and the city-a story about love
It is a story about love. Or make it precisely, finding love.

In the sixth season, all 4 leading roles find their happy ending---love, in every tailored type.
Even Samantha falls in love!! haha, I pretty enjoy the story between samantha and jerry:)

"I am a girl looking for real love." when Carrie says so, I can't help crying...
In fact, I cried all night that night. That's why my self description said 'i am not a waterwork, but i ...' yeah that...
I guess she speaks out what most women think and pursue. It is like a fairy tale David (AI) always believes.

I am a girl who believe in love and happiness. Hope this belief makes me stronger...
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Jan. 22nd: who am I to u
Who am I, to u?
I can't help thinking of this question.
Many 'If...then...' sentences poped up from my head.
But the more I think the more I confused myself.
Unless I can make sure....
while the problem is I can not.

Could I ever understand what u r thinking?
I found no answers.
I become passive and passive
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Jan. 23rd: white out my left side
what's wrong with being usual or ordinary?
since I am interested in fashion and shopping, I can't help being a member of common people.
while on the other hand, I wish I am extraordinary.
I wish I can stand for what I think. but the problem is I don't know what I think. or how to think.

As far as I am concerned, you are lucky to meet those people in your life here no matter how u like/dislike them. Because they make you question yourself and try to become better. This also influences me indirectly.

However, we don't have to feel sorry about not appreciating various styles of art, literature, music or something. let alone the feel of inferiority. You have your own interests and you love to do so. That's respect to yourself. And you try to learn something new, that's nice and brave.

I would try to think, love what I am doing, and try to learn from you guys. To make my ordinary life more interesting, at least, make me love my lifel.

I want to live for myself desperately. Although somebody could be a good motivation...
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Jan. 26th: one week indulging
From 20th Jan-25th Jan. I visited Daphne in Edinburgh, back to Leeds, and then went to London.
A bitter crazy traveling:P

I would've thought that only young people would do crazy things like this. But, I did too.
In fact, traveling is exhausting!! But we all need some occasions to relief ourselves, and need incentives to think and feel.

Different places give us new ideas and stimulate our feelings. I was suffered with lacking of passion, or the passion of express my feeling. And I was troubled with finding myself. But I do exist.
Sometimes I would think that I am doing something important and the only thing I have to concern about is 'just do it'. We don't have to think too much or suspect ourselves. Just make the most of it and enjoy what you are doing. This is what make it/life worth.

I explored the modern art gallery and national gallery of scotland when I was in Edinburgh. British museum is another must go sight. I've been there before, so I just looked around and went to visit Lawrance.
It's nice to meet friends in a foreign country. We talked a lot about our school and life. And he accompanied us to china town and tower bridge. It is especially beautiful in the night:)
And MISATO! I can't believe that we ate at misato for 3 days in a roll.....!!!

Karman and I spent lots of time in national gallery in London. I am not that 'arty', but feeling touched something deep inside my mind. Even I can barely appreciate 'art'; I found my existence.

Musical, another arty campaign u got to do in London. We chose Phanton of the opera and was ready to burst into tears. However, we didn't.

The most strange is I was thinking of you along the journey. Strange and confused.

Nov. 18th: do nothing
After endless group meeting in Friday afternoon, I tried to ignore Monica’s suggestion of going shopping (but I still gave her a call). I would rather stay at home do nothing. I walked slowly on my way back to accommodation and found the meadow which was covered with frost this morning seemed like defrost already.

When I entered my room I felt like defrost too. I suddenly realized that the heater I forgot to turn off was keeping warming the room. Dry air and high temperature made me feel sleepy and relax. I shut down the heater, tried to arrange my thought and start writing. It is my interest to write something informal, but I haven’t done in English. I know I am good at this in Chinese.

In Friday afternoon, it is good to listen to Norah Jones or some music that is light and soft; to have a cup of tea or coffee, I like the smell of tea and coffee; to be in a trance, do nothing. This is happiness!
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Nov. 18th: soliloquy
It seems nice but lacks of something.
Something I cannot tell.
What should it be like?
It's hard to explain.
Everything here is fine.
But needs more passion and emotion...
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Nov. 20th: my 80% perfect day
I declined the appointment yesterday, and felt great. In Taiwan, if we said "let's have dinner some time" it means "see you". But if you asked me "when"....that's so difficult to answer. That's why I cannot promise "when".

I went to Starbucks with Devon at noon. It's hardly to study there. And the plan resulted in chatting+a little bit study. But, nice, isn't it?
After a long que, I found one side of "my sofa" was occupied by a couple. I tried to concerntrate on my book but made it a strange scene.

It is dark and cold here after 4:40PM. We went into the freezing wind searching for food. Finally we stopped at the JADE, a Chinese restaurant. The conclusion is that everytime we go to the restaurant, we miss the food in Taiwan:P Anyway, the waiter and waitress are friendly enough to compromise the "exorbitant" price(compared with that in Taiwan). It's a question of feeling.
Lousy food plus nasty staff--->disaster

After dinner, we walked together till the central library. I walked slowly, cuz I don't want to go home. Actually, I am afraid of going back...
I saw the "skyline park" is assembling the moving wheel and carrousel in the millenium square.
Does it have special meaning to arrange a "playground" during X'mas? I don't know but it seems nice:) like fairy tale.

It is a cold and long distance going back. I was walking and singing. I like the feeling of breathing the air and exhaling "smoke". It would be perfect were there a warm hug. 80% perfect anyway!

Oh, my toes became numb with cold by walking in the frigid weather:~ excellent
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Nov. 22nd: little bear
Edward finally gave me this bear! Don't you think it looks like Paul?...........:)
But it's a pity that Ed. kissed it several times before he gave it to me.....-.-"
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Dec. 8th: memory organizing
Skipton /_-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dec. 9th: Trial-recipe
Appreciated by Devon, my new trial

ingredient:
1 onion, butter
2 rosemary+basil+salt+chicken fillet
3 mushroom
4 onion powder+milk
5 black pepper

YAMMY YAMMY YAMMY YAMMY YAMMY YAMMY
YAMMY YAMMY YAMMY YAMMY YAMMY YAMMY
YAMMY YAMMY YAMMY YAMMY YAMMY YAMMY
YAMMY YAMMY YAMMY YAMMY YAMMY YAMMY
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Dec. 10th: relaxing weekend
In order to have a relaxed weekend, I tried hard to finish my work on Thursday night.
Fortuenately, i did it i did it!!!!!

This makes me wanna laugh. hahaha laugh and smile all day.
It's not right to say this but....i am happy.

Though it doesn't last for so long....I searched for Coach and B&B in Madrid all day.......
damn- -" I don't want to see the computer screen><
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Dec. 23rd: choice
After coming back from Spain, ‘reality’ becomes closer and closer. One is the approaching of studying and exams; the other is the ‘decision’. But how can I decide?

I know that I’ve been changed. Is it the environment or the people or else? I guess it was the combination of those above. To be honest, it’s like gambling. I might win or lose. What's interesting is that u’ll never know what the result would be.
I don’t want to take the risk but, do I have choice? It’s just like a question of philosophy: Is it my choice or fate?
If I had second chance, would I do the same thing? When I start to ask ‘what if’ questions, I know the answer is obvious…
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Dec. 27th: so called love
Strangely, I didn't feel annoyed when my neighbor tried to ask me something about my absence these days. He said he cannot reach me. Of course. I didn't put my old sim card in my mobile phone. I suddenly don't mind giving him my new number. Maybe it's becuz of my unreasonalbe happy and relax.
"If u like someone and, meanwhile s/he also likes u. We named the moment 'love'. It is precious bcuz it's so rare." People are always seeking for this moment. Some of them even cannot find love along life time. Mystery or truth? u have to experience it urself. Sarcastically, we seldom notice it when we have it. But don't be afraid of lust, worry, and anxiety. What u can do is cherish and enjoy it.
I admit that sometimes uncertainty annoyed. I blame myself of not having clear purpose. But what can I do? Just "follow ur heart" is not a sufficient answer.