Campus is alive again. New students flood all around the city. They start party and lots and lots social events. It is like an unlimited/endless loop.

What happened in my journey here?

I wasn't so excited or keen on doing anything. I just followed the flow and did what I have to do. The projects, assignments, meetings, and some "must go" social venues, etc. My study is busy, though I wish I could be busier that I wouldnt have time to deal with relationship. (sigh)

Helga said it's good to have a boy friend "for now." It didnt comfort me. Cuz I knew I am not this type. However, I've lost in this endless loop.

You asked whether I feel being cheated. Of course I do. I am in love with a man who is always busy working and always concern about himself, and what's worse is he has memory lose. What am I supposed to do? seems I will never do enough. (It doesn't matter now)

Vincent said that I never enjoy my life. How can I enjoy my life when I put in my emotions but didn't get enough return? I am always hungry but you seldom feed me.

There are still some guys come to me and ask me out at this moment. (what's wrong!) And I still concern about you. (How sad, how sick I am!?)

I wish we were just friends. You make me feel that I've done things in vain, do u know that?
I dont know how you think and what you want, but you seem reluctent to reveal even a bit.

Maybe you think you've done the right thing. Cuz you can give me nothing. (Exclude your spacious cozy flat.) This is about feeling tho. Everyone wants to be found, but you just care about yourself. Of course, I understand now. If one has £25,000 debt, he will have no time for other chores. (guess I am not even one of the errands)

But but, I am thankful. I still appreciate that I met you here. We still have some fun.
They will stay in my memories.

I should jump out of the miserable loop.

Congratulation. You'll be here for another two years and hopefully will get your phD by then. You will move on your own way and live on yourself. (sometimes I really hate it) But, if this is what you want, then, I should be happy for you.

Thank you anyway. If I would hate you, that's bcuz I love you.

Rahul told me that "it's about your choice," which means, I choose to suffer myself (in some way). But, what if our choices are destined? What if we cannot choose our choices actually? It is not just a philosophy question but also tricky, isn't it?

The reason we are suffered is bcuz we dont want to obey our fate, and trying to change it.

When I try to look back finding out what I get, I really can't think of anything except for the very first moment we've been together. Maybe it's bcuz I am a person who is craving passion and love. And, if life is about the moments that take our breath away, I think, that very first moment is one of them (in my life). Even though it was just a few seconds.

The problem is Im not satisfied with this and ask for more. I desperately need your love and care.

There are lots of men out there who are willing to give me what I want and make me happy. People said that "you deserve a better man." However, what is the definition of a better man? I asked. I think most of them imply it as a guy who is more passionate and smooth.

I guess I am totally blind and stupid for I am so in love. (why?)

And I am so stupid that I believe things might be different. (why am I such a fool every time?) I am so dazed that I ignore those warning and my sense.

I dont want to regret but it seems that I cant change things, and it's destined to hurt myself.

Maybe we are stupid moths. We knew what the result would be though we still fly toward the fire. (maybe only me, I am the stupid little moth) In this case, I might be the most foolish creature in the world. I persuade myself that Im ready for heartbreak and ready for crying without regarding the pain I'll have to face. (I know now...)

Ok, I admit that I feel depressed and upset already. But Im trying to calm down. Your study is your first priority and Im not in your schedule. You know what? You are not in my plan either. However, I just make change for this so called relationship. I cannot complain cuz I deserve this... Plus, it's just bcuz of different personalities. I would feel better is I think this way.

I was in London for weekend (08/09-11/09).

Hrishi and Rahul keep asking me when to go to London (visit them). However I was annoyed by the dissertation thing last few weeks. Since it was finished and it happened to be Hrishi's birthday this Sunday...seems that i have no excuse not coming!? hehe...

Well, i booked the tickets right away. But it's always tricky. I mean, this book ticket beforehand system is tricky for you wont know what's going to happen and if you still want to go somewhere when the day comes. I am always confused at this moment.

Even though, I started packing on Thursday night, and totally got ready (i think) for this Bollywood excursion.

to be continued...

I often think I am stupid under V's value judgement. However, he's right in some ways.
He said I usually confused and tired myself, especially when talking about relationship; I dont consider the result and do thing impulsively...

Yeah...
But if we can analyse our emotion and then decide what to do, this is not "emotion" at all.
Love and emotion are something "irresistible." Some mistakes make our life more memorable...maybe (maybe not!?) (did I comfort myself?)

Honestly, this is my first time to devote myself (that much). I dont want to hold back myself for knowing there's no future. Sometimes I think this is so stupid as a moth flies toward the fire...
Although I know V may be a more proper man for me (maybe) and he's disappointed by me (several times), I still could not give up M. I am definately a love fool.

J said, just follow your heart and dont regret. I dont have time to think about regreting tho...
If it would disappoint or depress V (or someone else), we couldnt help it.

my heart says, "dont stop me now."

Actually it's no big deal... it is England, and it's not unusual to talk to someone else on the street. However, this doesnt happen that often tho.

After struggling with printing problem in computer cluster, we went binding. Chialing went back first, while yoyo and I waited to get our dissertation. Because Edward needs my sim card (top up) I asked yoyo to go to Montague check my post and then went to Ed's.
Still cant believe that we finished our dissertation. Thanks to Chialing and Yoyo. They both are too efficient!

We got our dissertation at 5ish. Yoyo took me to a cemetry/park on campus. To be honest, I didnt know we got such a place on campus. Tho it's nice and peaceful. We met a Chinese-major student, James, who just came back from Beijing. He's asking us if we need a language partner.
How come I didnt meet such a guy earlier???? Is it all destined?? (pooor me!)

He said there are more and more people study chinese. He met many students learning chinese in Beijing. I think this is what we dont quite know when we were in Taiwan. Because there are not so many people come to Taiwan learn Chinese. They didnt know it probably.

We told him we just finish our dissertation and will leave soon. But we could introduce him some Taiwanese students....as language partners:P
btw, he is pretty cute!

After saying goodbye to Yoyo, I walked through hyde park to get back. I walked and sang. Suddenly, I found there's a guy walked beside me... oh.... I stopped singing.
He said to me, it's not bright today, why am i wearing sunglasses? Cuz...cuz, I drank too much last night, which makes my eyes swell. Correction, I drank too much water instead of alcohol.
Then we chat and chat. Seems that I still have my sense of humor that he laughed many times...
It's good to have company especially when you walk in a long distance....

Angus told me to enjoy my last month here. I also hope so...