我在追尋著什麼?那可能是連我自己都無法定義的蛻變與感情態度。我當然希望會變的更好，然而這過程艱辛、充滿誘惑，亦可能走向無限沉淪。
也許我會回到原點，而我已經不是那個我。
或許這將是此行的最大意義、最大收穫。成長，回到原點的再出發。
不論感情、專業或者態度。
---
我應不應該take a lover?這是個困擾我許久的問題。我知道他們並非我想要的，所以我不該浪費時間在處理這無謂的寂寞。但是這無謂的寂寞卻那麼嚴峻，寒冷地足以致命。這是我從來都不曉得的。
不能說我沒受傷，
我學會了保護自己，play on the safe side。
我也失去了努力去幸福的力氣。D說，如果我不能open mind，那麼感情是無法走向任何地方的。
我的疑問是，如何知道他是不是對的人?如何能在遇到對的人的時候，還能敞開胸懷?既然我已經習慣了defensive...或者我不該杞人憂天，這是一種天性。
---
我會跌跌撞撞，但是我知道黑暗的盡頭有光。
會有那麼一個對的人。我始終相信。
五月十一號，我帶著愉悅的心情，搭上前往愛丁堡的火車(在約克轉車)。
對這一場逃亡，我興奮多過一切。彷彿只要上了車，就可以駛向另一個國度。至少心態上是如此。
其實我很喜歡搭火車，沿路風景就不多說了，英國的鄉間風光總有辦法令我開懷。這是種很神奇的魔力。
我喜歡"離開"往"目的地"的那種感覺，不管是否真有那麼個目的地。離開，相對來說，變成另一種"出發"。而"出發"，令我充滿生氣。我想牡羊座的虎頭蛇尾的所有可能，在我身上得到充分印證。我對"開始"總是鬥志高昂，而面臨結束，常提前表露意興闌珊的窘態。對此我必須向我的夥伴們說聲抱歉。而我正試圖改變，必須改變。
再不到幾個月，我也將"離開"這裡的生活。有點感傷，其實。
幾度回到所謂原點，原來並不算太差。
理性上來說，我回台灣應有較好的發展(hopefully lol)。但那也代表著那些可能的悠閒的終結。工作工作工作，將成為生活的極大部分。
感性上，我想留下，即便陽光如此難得、食物如此乏味...
我想這一方面是一種莫名的迷戀，一方面只是為了爭一口氣。一口氣罷了。(然而這已經不是keep hope or not的問題)雖然回去一樣可以實現、雖然我爭的那口氣老實說沒什麼意義。
與其說這年是學習的旅程，不如說他是個放逐了過程(雖然其實是我心態轉變成放逐)。因放逐有其痛苦與追尋的成分，也因此比學習更能展現旅行的意義。
我尚未認真想過我得到了什麼，或許一時半刻也無法驗證。我想，學業上的所得較之生活上的有限，卻也足夠我受用(也許就是那只文憑?)。更抽象者比如何做、妥協、堅持，等等。
至於唸書，省省吧。
朋友，其實比例上來說，出國能交到契合的朋友的機率本就相對的低，也因此學會了看開、學著要取捨。無奈，卻真實(bloody real)。短暫的友誼，能多誠摯?不是說我們對人心存懷疑，不相信人性，而是時空的特殊性使然。這條道理，似乎也能放在各種感情上都合用，而且更殘酷。
The weather is so nice that I can not do without going out. Especially when I've finished my part (assignment), at least, temporarily.
I decide not to hide in my flat and go out get some sun tan!<--do i need it? haha:P I just want to stroll around and enjoy the nice sunshine, light wind, and lazy afternoon. But am so relaxed that I feel 'guilty'! (seems everydoby's working tho...)
I bought corned beef pasty at Greggs and went to the art exhibition in the Light. (not arty tho:P) And then walked around the city and went to 'the fire house' for a drink(order 'shirley temple'<--good) last afternoon (@6ish). I couldnt help thinking that, "gosh, it still takes another 3 hours to get dark. what the hell!? and Im just passing my time!" u know how that feel? so weird and incredible tho.I was working day and night a few days previously but am now relaxed in a sudden.
I did do some reading tho while I couldn't concentrate for too long. I should enjoy the leisure time for I might not have it any more when I go back to Taiwan. The work environment, law and attitudes are quite different from that in the UK. 'guess this might be the thing worthy memorise and miss.
Well, since I was so leisured, I walked around and took picx of those pubs/bars I've ever been to. Though some of them are lost in my memory or too far to get there. <--see how bored i am
And I started to count how many pubs/bars i've visited b4<--crazy.
There are 20, at least, and the number is increasing. They complete my life!!!!!! GOSH! (Im not a drinker! definately no!)
I went to another 2 bars/restaurants with Vincent this afternoon. Again, it is bcuz of the nice weather. It is so nice that he cannot stay home writing essay; it is so nice that I cannot stay home surfing the net. and I need to collect my attendance letter at uni as well, so I must go out! must!
What I dont understand is that why would people change over night?
so sudden and so cruel
Why the UK is not immigrant-friendly to Asian students?
I don't want to leave so soon but it is hard to get work permit and so does a decent job.
It depressed me...
I know it might not be better for me to stay here, compared with returning Taiwan.
It costs about 300 pounds to apply for the permission. And it also takes time and efforts to prepare for the documents and references....damn.
Why you prohibit my passion this way? sigh............
In fact, i just wanna show that I can do it. I am so reluctant to accept these. Cheating and disguise stimulate my will to fight, while I have to submit to the reality... the bloody reality.
之前提過，這一年對我來說好像是個桃花年而不是唸書年，至少，相對來說。
並不是說我在這裡變成萬人迷，雖然說我的確發現自己非常的大眾口味，
非洲歐洲英國都還挺吃香的呢!當然這沒有什麼不好，只是讓我稍稍感慨。
我不知道那些男人要什麼，或者他們想得到我什麼。我深深覺悟到to get a man is never a problem. But who is the right guy? 我想我們仍然不能用正常眼光去看待這裏的感情，除非建立在一個十分清楚的前提之下。
Lu說這是有魅力的人的宿命。
老實說，我並不覺得我有魅力或者是特別漂亮，我要的只是平凡的感情。
分享彼此的生活，心裡不孤單的感情。
"為什麼這裡一個人都沒有?為什麼我這麼孤單呢?"剛剛看的日劇對白，還正好要下起傾盆大雨，然後女主角出現。這樣才夠戲劇。
先不說友情。在這裡很奇怪，是我在台灣不曾有過的經驗。
我並不是亂放電那種，因為你也知道我不戴眼鏡的，就是瞎。以前J問我有多少男人try to approach u and talk to u，我說根本就沒有啊。但是在這裡，我可以說我真的不愁沒人陪，就算沒了一個，都還有幾個，就算現在沒有，也很快就會出現另一個。這是詭異的一個桃花年，我深深的以為。
可是，我不要了。我不要這樣。i don't want to take a lover.
能不能大家都當朋友就好，長長久久。就算不連絡，也至少不心痛。
不是我沒有勇氣，只是我不想浪費我的勇氣。愈挫愈勇不是個常理。對我來說。